JusT a LiFe

Keep Believing That He'll Do The Work

2012-01-01T23:56:00.002+07:00

Just when I thought that I'm done

I always find myself in a better place

A place that I never thought was exist

Somehow, I landed there

Anytime I feel desperately in need of a way out,

There I was

In an exit door full of solution

That I never thought could work

So, why should I be worry now?

When this problem arise,

I shall find my way in the end

When this complicated things merged into one hell of a problem

That push me to every corner of the room,

Rushing me to conclude a solution that only suit their ways

I'll pass it anyway

All I have to do is pray :)

Might not work exactly the way I want sometimes

But I always mend my ways to "I'm alright" pedestal

He's there, helping me all the way

I just surrender and keep believing that He'll do the work

Minding Our Words

2011-12-29T01:05:00.006+07:00

Don't people in this world have at least one secret that they won't share to anyone? Doesn't matter if it was a simple secret or dark ones. But I believe, even the most 'open to the world' person has at least one tiny little secret. Yup, that says it.

Some people probably think that I'm one of those kinds, the one that 'open to the world' kinda type because I could grumble about anything and come up as a very loud and spicy person at times (or most of time.) I just could not be a quiet person, although I've tried my hardest to be claimed one, but it never worked, ever. But I am not.

I don't keep that one tiny little secret. I keep tons of 'em. Not just mine, but others as well. I keep some things to myself and do not expose it to anyone. Including my feelings.

Yeah, I know, people keep saying that you have to let it all out to make yourself feel better. I do let out some of the emotions and feelings, but I choose which one and to whom I shall express them all. So, sorry if I don't directly barely express any bit of it to anyone out there.

Oh, wait... I don't think I should feel sorry about it. That's my choice and I have reasons for it. I hope people can respect that. Sometimes I wonder why do some people having problems respecting that when I believe that they are doing the exact same thing. Even long-time married couple or forever couple or best friends or even family. That small little tiny simple secret will exist. If you think I was wrong, well then, think again, fellas, dig deep!!!

I did not say that let-it-all-out way is bad, or telling everything they way it is will be good for any kind of relationships, but, don't you think choose wisely is needed? I mean, you don't go sharing WTF to children or giving bad comments to an easily-destructive person, aren't you? You don't go share your bestfriend's hatred towards your other bestfriends, right? Or do you? Don't you think about their feelings at all? Or have you chose to take risks? Don't you realize that even more people might be damaged by how you truly feel? Don't you ever think about what if it was concerning your loved ones that might get hurt to? Have you considered if they deserve it or not? You do, right?

Well, all I'm saying is don't you think it's better to keep some things to ourselves (even candy or gadget, you don't just go around and share them to anyone, especially kids or strangers, even closed ones, you know why.) And when it comes down to feelings, it'd be better for us to think twice or even more, to make sure that we hit the right target and with the right reasons so we can give them a fair consequences of what they did. We don't want to quick-judge people with our bare thoughts as we don't want to be quick-judged by others. Because this quick-judging thing comes from nothing but a blind-assumption that leads to a worse/worst-conclusion.

We have every tool to do better about these things. We have our ears to listen. Take time to listen so we know every reason behind every action (although some stupid things done without any reason). We have our eyes to see what actually happened. We have our hearts to feel what's right to be done. We have our brains to decide how it could wisely be done. We have our hands, feet and the rest of our bodies to act. Unless you don't have those or even worse, have it all full-functioned but refuse to use any of 'em.

So yeah, I think I made my point here. I'd rather keep some things to myself, including feelings and secrets, especially things about people I love the most. I definitely tried my best (since I haven't actually done these things perfectly, but I know I've done my best,) to not hurt anyone, especially my loved ones since I care about their feelings a lot.

PS. Plus, I kinda think that those people consider me as a celebrity since they wish to know every little thing I've done and how am I feeling toward others, especially my loved ones. I don't publish my charity or good things I've done to anyone. It is even written on the bible, Matthew 6:2 and Matthew 6:3, the book that you claim love to read. Or have you missed those parts? #justsayin D'oh!!!

For Good

2011-08-17T20:29:00.008+07:00

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit (Like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes a sun (By a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder (Like a seed dropped)
Halfway through the wood (By a bird in the wood)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you

Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

This Has Been

2011-07-19T23:28:00.042+07:00

I really thought that I gave my all in this so-called friendship. But, I guess what I've done was never really enough. I constantly feel left out and disappointed, knowing not what I've done wrong.It seems like I've done nothing right. Yes, not a single thing seems to be right since everytime I say my opinion, they will slash me off, chop me into small pieces and just step on all over me. One or twice might be funny, but constantly...? Underappreciated...

How come you don't feel left out when you used to be a harbor for everything and all of the sudden you are not anymore with no reasons explanation at all?I feel like I've tried to understand every being and forgot about me being hurt many times. But what I've got? A walk out. Disappointment.

Hardly anyone to hold on to when I thought I can count on them.I've tried to be the adult and maybe I've failed because I was not that strong enough to handle all of those emotional outburst and childishness that has been going on all the way.

They will never believe how I cried over this because, yes, it hurt that much since I put a real value in this whole thing. I've been betrayed, stabbed in the back. They might not really see it because I've tried to hard to hide it in order to have more understanding in every situation and personality given. I've tried to respect each and everyone. But, hey, if the outcome yield the same situation, why bother being what I've become?

I guess it's time to say goodbye...This whole thing is shizzling.

It's still a pleasure meeting them all and I appreciate every moment we used to have.A lesson well learned... :)

You're Amazing

2011-05-31T13:19:00.008+07:00

Looking at your innocent face

Amazes me in every case

Your sweet words

Capture my heart to the chord

Yes, you are amazing

Your charm brought me to the light

Bedazzled me in everything

Create faith that I can hold on tight

Oh, you are amazing

You are something I can cling in

One storm just come rushing

Thunder lets your defense falling

The rain washes away your smile

The lightning flying it away for miles

Oh, you were amazing

And is that mask you're wearing?

And is that script you're reading?

And is that you you're playing?

You're changing colors faster than seconds move in a clock

You're swinging your mood worse than dancers in a dock

You paralyzed by things you analyze

You claim the world is yours alone to synchronize

Too weak for one who thinks he's the strongest

Too stupid for one who thinks he knows it all

Too timid for one who thinks he's the bravest

Too vulnerable for one who thinks he could rule the world

Yes, you were amazing

For every little things you've done

Yes, you are still amazing

For every little dumbest thing you've become

Unbelievably amazing

Because you don't simply don't know how stupid you are

Wonder as I Wander

2011-05-26T22:36:00.003+07:00

Seems like the dark clouds follow, cover the world around all day

Prevent the sun from shining its brightest beam to the earth

Block the warmth produced by the sun

Wonder as I wonder here on earth

Tripped over something unknown and hurt

Then lost into one journey

Of what's cold and blurry

And here I am with my mind floating everywhere

Here and there uncontrolled of what's coming next

The past and future running after each other as they dare

Passing carelessly listing and hiding every little facts

Eyes cannot be shut wide open

Lips cannot be sealed while singing

Hand cannot be cuffed when it's hidden

Feet cannot be tied when it's running

Looking over my heart and soul wishing to find one solution

But only gap there is to see and reach beyond

Gap that's been created even before ones born and wonder on

Something that might be crafted by both you and I in portion

Both part away too far to be reach

One too tired to move on

One is heartless and walks on

Way in the middle is transparently being ditched

Life is, Indeed, Never Easy

2011-05-26T22:08:00.002+07:00

Never say that life is an easy path. Living life is way too complicated to understand. Every step of the way is filled with plenty of choices, good and bad. It's our decision to pick one that suits us best.

Never say that life will provide you good times and everything will come your way. Even if it does, you will not have that satisfaction you are looking for. That good feeling of winning things and sincere contentment.

But, nevertheless, let's not make an excuse to make other's life even more miserable.

PS. Just like what you're doing all along...

I'm Simply Scared

2011-05-26T22:02:00.002+07:00

You might feel like I've changed or became even more annoying that I usually was. Don't worry, I feel the same way. I'm wondering to myself as well, about what is going on with me, with my mood and my temper that raised like a rocket. Yup, that fast. I just couldn't help myself. I lost my grip of patience.

Many times I asked myself to calm down and be positive but always making me ended up in the bottom of my sorrow. Crying is all I can do when I can't scream out the words I long to say.

Too many disappointment from someone I really trust, someone I really count on. What comes worse, most of the disappointment came in unexpected moments, and worst, it happened times in a row.

Some might say that it's time for me to let it go for it has happened for so many times. But, I can't. I made myself this promise some time ago to just stay here and not leaving, because I'm needed, because that's what I should do.

Been trying so hard to forgive but it's definitely hard to forget. All gathered into one conclusion, I'm simply scared of losing you.

Leaving My Worries

2011-04-06T00:35:00.004+07:00

Here I am

Just lay and staring at one brightest star

Wishing for a wish that never dies

Or damned

All coasts are cleared

All shores are tamed

But one inside is restless

Begging a soul to keep making a mess

No good is quite right

No crime with such light

Darkness might turn into gray

But shine seems kid of far away

When loads are bared

And hopes are said

Fight begins to fade

All worries should be laid

To rest...

At best,

This worries should be left alone

Leaving them done

In the hands of The Great Creator

At least,

I am only this fragile human

With human nature decorate the soul

And there's no shame to be one

So, here I am...

Trying to leave all my worries behind

In the hands of good Lord to be done

All the best alone at His time...

Surat dari Tuhan

2011-04-03T13:36:00.003+07:00

KEPADA : KAMU

TANGGAL : HARI INI
DARI : AKU
PERIHAL : BERSYUKUR
baca sejenak deh,ga rugi kok ;)

Ini AKU,
Hari ini AKU yang akan menangani semua masalahmu..

Catatan :
Dan ingat,
Bila Dunia ini menyodorkan masalah yang tidak dapat kau tangani sendiri,
Jangan berusaha menyelesaikan masalah itu.
Tetapi, letakkanlah saja masalah itu diboxKU utk KUselesaikan..
AKU akan menyelesaikan masalahmu sesuai JADWAL yang AKU tentukan sendiri.

Semua masalahmu PASTI akan AKU selesaikan,tetapi sesuai jadwalKU, bukan jadwalmu.
Setelah semua masalahmu kamu letakkan dalam Box,
Janganlah kamu pikirkan & khawatirkan.
Sebaliknya, fokuslah kepada semua hal2 BAIK yang sedang terjadi padamu sekarang.

Bila kamu terjebak kemacetan dijalan, Janganlah marah,
Sebab masih banyak orang di Dunia ini yang tidak pernah naik mobil seumur hidupnya.

Bila kamu berhadapan dengan masalah di tempat kerja,
Berpikirlah bahwa masih banyak orang yang menganggur bertahun2 tanpa pekerjaan.

Bila kamu sedih karena hubungan keluarga, pikirkanlah orang2 yang belum pernah merasakan mencintai dan dicintai.

Bila kamu merasa bosan dengan akhir minggu, pikirkanlah orang2 yang harus lembur siang malam tanpa libur utk menghidupi keluarga & anak2nya.

Bila kendaraanmu mogok & mengharuskan kamu berjalan kaki,
Janganlah marah,
Pikirkanlah orang2 cacat yang sangat ingin merasakan berjalan diatas kaki sendiri.

Bila kamu melihat dicermin rambutmu mulai beruban,
Janganlah bersedih,
sebab mempunyai rambut hanyalah merupakan impian bagi orang2 yang dalam perawatan Kemoterapi.

Bila kamu merenungi makna hidupmu di Dunia ini & merenungi apa tujuan hidup mu ini ?
Bersyukurlah O:)
karena banyak orang yang tidak punya kesempatan hidup yang cukup lama untuk merenungi hidup mereka.

Bila kamu memutuskan untuk meneruskan surat ini ke orang lain,
Terima Kasih
Kamu telah menyentuh kehidupan mereka dalam banyak hal yang tidak pernah kamu bayangkan :)

Promises Meant To Be Kept!

2011-03-12T16:23:00.002+07:00

Don't actually know where to start writing this stuff that's been going on in my head. It all started when everything suddenly goes wrong with no obvious reason and left me wonder about what the hell is going on. No clear answers have been creating various negative assumption and judgment.

Frightened and confused of what is going on led to an ultimate silence. It's hard to deal when you found out one has labeled oneself as the victim when it's supposed to be you who feel victimized and you are.

Curse and anger gladly dance throughout the flame of a burning emotion. Uncertain when it will end, or maybe never. Leaving should be the easiest way to escape but it certainly isn't the easiest way to do. So many things get in the way, whether to escape or even to stay. Clueless and stuck between invisible non-removable things.

I've been trying to reach the way out but all the effort seemed to be no use and no good. All bounced me back to the point where I started to crumble. That fortress of yours is too thick to break through and too high to climb. There's no way to come in and obviously no way out once you're in there. Not even a window to peep.

You and your selfish way, so unpredictable and destroying at most times.

I want to just run and escape from all these negativity you've been creating. I need to find my sanctuary that I thought I'd find it in you. All those positive effect that you've building were fallen to pieces. Leaving nothing but grieve and it's nightmare you've become.

I really wonder if you still remember all the words and promises you said to me and if you realized that everything you do has done nothing but hurt to people around you and even yourself. I also wonder what have I done that cause me thrown into this position. No answer and left being clueless are all that I got. The worst is knowing you that well that scares me. You and your ability to do what you're capable of doing.

But, here I am standing. Staying in my point of crumbling. Trying to hold on of maybe what's been missing all along. I'm bounded to promises I've made because I believe that promises need to be kept...

And I do still have my faith in you.

Solitude Labors

2011-02-16T01:13:00.001+07:00

Walking in the midst of a land that I know so well

Following the path that laid by my eyes

Clean pavement with beautiful view in every cell

But it's hot like hell yet very cold as an ice

Try to find the center of it

Through these black bricks of a winding road

Ain't no road that's easy enough to hit

So I just continue and welcome myself aboard

Searching in high bushes

Looking in a hidden place

Exploring in the tall grass

Seeking in a major mass

Staring at a steel fortress with thousands of soldiers

A flag is dancing free in its pole high in the air

Stating the fortress as a solitude labors

Where everything is impossible and nothing is fair

All efforts ends in a reluctant success

Going around and try to find an entrance will be helpless

The wired wall won't come down by itself

Desperately filling self but ends up hopeless

Invisibility

2011-02-15T03:04:00.002+07:00

Things change one way or another

People come and go sooner or later

No power created in the palm of the hands

To avoid the moments in the sands

No more tears left to shed

No more words left to be said

No more smile left to shared

No more laughter left to laid

All gone scattered in many direction

Invisibility covered with such gracious transparent

Left one stranded in a middle of nowhere

With nothing to hold on to and nothing to spare

Invisibility tried to catch up with darkness

Invisibility tried to dance with loneliness

Invisibility tried to humor the bitterness

Invisibility tried to sing for the emptiness

Nothing seemed to work

Shielded by a power so grand and bold

Playing every exist wrong piano chord

To a failing epic love song like a dirty pork

Can't find any other way to move away from this invisibility

Can't find any other way for people to see

Can't find any other way to show off the availability

Can't find any other way to scream about this consistency

Trying so hard ain't getting invisibility a chance to shine

Drag them off the box where they can lean

Wish for being invincible and lead the front line

Than being invisible and not being seen

Sadly, I'm Right...

2011-02-11T21:43:00.003+07:00

I've always sensed that something went wrong. Wasn't quite sure what it was, especially when no one said anything.

Things were forced to please people one way or another. Didn't quite working well. Instead, me, personally felt really hurt. Seems like all my effort was worthless. Nothing was right when perfection was already impossible. Knowing nothing might be suck, but, knowing everything could be suck even more. Both ways were annoying.

Now, I found the clue that explains everything. Why things have been like this and such. Surprisingly, it wasn't surprising at all. Although I have to admit that it was making me wonder and flattered at the same time. Funny how it made me feel that way, right?

Puzzled, as always, and it's making me think about how should I react in this situation. Be quiet isn't taking me to a spot where I always wanted, but making a slight move is not helping at all. Searching for the best way to accomplish the mission.

Hurt but barely could cry. One wish had come true, not to cry over this and just be brave enough in going through every bit of this. This heart has beaten out of my chest, screaming out to be let go of every little bit of strong emotion. It screams in silence I can't even hear, but surely can feel every strong beat of it. Determined, but helpless.

This brain wants to go where the heart doesn't want to even tiptoe in. Sure they both going to the same final point, the only problem is the way they have decided to board on. Split between two indecisive major parties. Difficult to choose one and leave out the other when both have a really strong connection. Both made me myself, who I am today. Both constructed me to be a well human being. Not perfect, but just enough to light one candle for the whole wide world.

If Only Words Could Come Easily

2011-02-05T07:03:00.003+07:00

Many times I bite my tongue just to prevent myself to say what I should say straight to your face. Many opportunities wasted just because I feel afraid of what the result might be, for what I believe, it has a very big chance of me losing you in one way or another. I never wanted for that to happen at all, for what we have right now is something that I truly treasure and appreciate.

So, what now? Nothing, I guess. But constant prayer every time I think of you. And hints, yes, something that I rely on lately. Hints I've been given and clues I've been telling.

All is hidden, all is kept so well. Incapable of bare everything down the winding road. It goes too long to be able to be explained. It's way more complicated and filled with bumpy hinders here and there. Unable to straight them down. Crumpled into one big ball of hope with no core.

Blindly driving the blinded emotion that gets the best of the most logical logic. Beaten by the anxious that keeps creeping and eating each little core of poor courage. Damaged and supressed. No way out. Just stuck there, wondering when will this wandering ever over and where it may lead. To my path, or someone else's...

Missing You

2011-02-05T06:49:00.002+07:00

Why would this anger come when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would this feeling of being ignored is dancing around my head when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would this jealousy taking over me when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I act hostile to you when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I rambling off my head when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I want to forget you when what I actually feel is only missing you?

A Step Forward

2011-01-22T00:49:00.001+07:00

Every time I think I have given a step forward, I always afraid to be pulled back a few steps backwards. Leaving the scars open with no cure to close it.

Mixed up feelings stirred with the sharpest knife ever found. Making its way of creating a brand new scar. Unknown and indescribable. No words could ever express what it really is.

The footsteps were all there. Time still keep them well enough for me to remember. The happiness, laughter, smile, gladness, sadness, tears, anger, disappointment and everything in between. Crystal clear. Each with some sprinkle of feeling so safe and secure.

Still trying my best to get rid of that feeling and just focus on the now instead of wondering what might happen the next...

Only A Prayer Away

2011-01-03T15:38:00.004+07:00

A friend who sings along together to any songs that we have ever heard.

A friend who dares to admit that I’m a friend when you did something crazy.

A friend that stands by me throughout my day, wherever I am and in anything I do.

A friend who always says that I did good in a thing that I’m worst at.

A friend who pats me on my back when I’m down.

A friend who wipes my tears and frown.

Yesterday was her birthday. One person that has taught me the true meaning of friendship that never ends. The youngest amongst us all but yet the most wise little girl I've ever known. She will always be the youngest now, she's gone, but only one prayer away :)

I’m not actually sure how we met, unless the fact that we were classmates during our first year in High School. Not exactly sure when we became best buddies but the fact that we were in a choir called UCV. We spent around 7 years together and the rest were apart. Started from High School until we graduated from the university and parted because you started to work at Jakarta while I stay in Bandung and so on. But, I could go on and on and on about great moments what we had together.

Remember when we were cleaning “all part” of the school together because the “petugas piket” forgot to pick the broom and dustpan? Remember all the stories from pictures that we took altogether? You were chosen as one of the Trio Kwek Kwek member because you chat a lot. Flo even threw a paper on me (or us) once because we chat. How we picked you as our Baby Spice since you are the youngest and together with Adek, Vita and Amel made noise all along during our FPS era, plus picking up some Spice Boys and Telletubbies of our own. I still remember the one that you have a crush on and how we laughed and cried together during the ups and downs of the competition. When we were in our last year of High School, the only time you would come to my classroom was when you have no homework, and we straightly said that to you every time you enter the room, “Ga ada PR, ya???” and laughed along afterwards.

We had a bit more fun during our college days. The only annoying things were when one day you came to my place, whiningly said, “Yiii… Gue bête. IP gue jelek…”and when I asked about the point, man, that was waaay higher than mine. And never forget when I came by to your place and you said, “Sori ya, Yi. Kamar gue lagi berantakan banget.” When I stepped in, it was very very very neat in my version. The next one was kind of annoyingly helpful. Everytime I said, “Ke… Pulsa gue abis…” You will always reply, “Udah, sms pake punya gue aja.” Because you have tons of call credit in your red Nokia cellphone. We always tried our best to made time to be around each other no matter how busy we were with our own activities.Andrew, Inneke, Monic, Danny, Aris and others were sometimes joining in.

You graduated first, find a job quicker and moved back ahead. The only thing that you keep saying was how you really really really want to go back to school. And after a quite long while, you had your wish and you graduated (faster, as always). Still can’t quite believe that you’re gone faster as well. Maybe you were born to live in fast lane :)

Won't ever forget your smile, how you sound and the way you talk. Won't ever forget your laughter and your freakingly innocent face when you did something stupid. You’re one hell of a friend.

A friend who sings along together to any songs that we have ever heard. A friend who dares to admit that I’m a friend when you did something crazy. A friend that stands by me throughout my day, wherever I am and in anything I do. A friend who always says that I did good in a thing that I’m worst at. A friend who pats me on my back when I’m down. A friend who wipes my tears and frown.

Friendship is overflowing, but to me you cannot be replaced. I will hold you tight in my dreams. Though you're gone, you're not as distance as it seems :)

Thanks for being there for me through every step of my life, together and apart. You were an angel then, a real one right now.

Love and miss you always... :) *hugs*

-Yiska- xx

2010 Flashback

2010-12-31T08:59:00.004+07:00

At the beginning of 2010, I claimed that this 2010 would be my year. But, has it?

The end of this year is coming and here I am. Reflecting back on what my goals are in this year. Didn't set too many goals since I was too afraid that I couldn't accomplish most of them.

- I struggled in escaping a hell hole.

It has been awhile I want to move from my old work place and go to the place I always wanted. The fight had been started last year to be won recently, that's why I call it struggle.

Too many reasons that made me want to just get out of that place, both personal and professional reasons.

And now, I got accepted to where I wanted and enjoy all the bittersweet moments I've been having. So many new experiences I had, the sweet ones, amazing ones, exciting ones, disappointing ones and shocking ones. All worth-waited experiences.

- Training time

Meet the "7 Lebay Ladies!!!" Nothing could be crazier than meeting up these 6 lebay ladies (7 with me) in the training. At first, as thought before, all just shied away. But it didn't take that long before each and everyone of us showed our so-called "lebayness." Ms. Kopaja who has unusually romantic husband, Ms. Bunga who constantly got bored and known for her symmetric flowers , the original Ms. Lebay with her authentic "aha!", Ms. Pais who was giving a constant diplomatic gray answers, a real experienced Ms. Teacher with her energetic aura, and last but not least, the bouncy one, Ms. Who-never-quite-there with the most mobility. It was a long fun exciting 2 months!!! Thanks to the trainers as well for bearing with us :)

- I was hoping to be in a band

But all I got (yet) is being in a (old) choir and (always) MC for events. Hmmm... It's way harder than I thought to find a band here. But, I think choir will do. It's a singing thing too. Next, MC... Well, won't put any further comment on this. Not really my thing, but the offer kept on coming...

- I still dream about spending my time in Bali, alone

This one still cannot be accomplished :( What made it so? The answer would be Kelly Clarkson!!! It was actually a blast. I enjoyed it very much. Went out to the concert with one of my best friends (and his ex), another friend and sang along to her song together with the rest of the audience. Plus, made some new friends. Not bad, right?

Didn't really regret the decision to go for the concert but it's just making a must-go-place a li'l longer.

- I got my Blackberry

Finally. I used to think that I don't need it that much, and actually I still do, but, it has more fun and I can write anytime I want :) Have to admit that it helps, eventually. Plus, most of people at my workplace use it. It makes the communication a bit easier. It has negative and positive side at the same time, just like everything.

By the way, did I put Crocs on the list??? :p

- Only one thing I have not accomplished :(

***

So many unpredictable things happened as well. Good and bad, happy and sad, prepared and unprepared, all came and gone.

- Meeting old friends

After around 14 years and meet up again. Kinda funny. Although I met them before (after that freaking 14 years) but I was still excited, despite the lunch fee and ended up not eating anything.

How fast we've grown and how swiftly time passed, those the things that were on my mind. But, memories stay. We still remember bits about our time in Elementary and laughed over them.

Some become good friends (again and meet the Pretty Little "Liars," everyone :p), some go to seeperate ways. Yes, it's amazing looking at how time can change everything. We form a different kind of personalities as we grow, we develop things that unseen, we explore the untouched area that we never thought we had. But certain things remain the same, sadly :(

- Bandung trip

That made no trip at all in the end, not even to 1 place that originally planned to be the very first place to be visited. It was because one person who constantly sleeping. It was still fun, though, hanging out, unprecedented and unanticipated jokes, playing cards, watching world cup in the car, the guys talked in riddles (as always), bla bla bla... Been called "Mama" by Andrew was as exciting as he saw every bus that passed by. But, he called me "Tante" already the last time we met. *sigh

It was the same day as my last day in Bandung, so it was quite emotional a bit. Tears were falling. Leaving the town where I have not a few of loved ones.

- Graduation Day

The time where the older children have to move to elementary was never been easy. It was even harder this year. As the kids were crying, the teachers drowned to their best emotions. Tears were everywhere but one cold-hearted person (that I don't think is necessary to be mentioned here.) Each child made the teachers proud and missing every little moments that's been had and experienced together. From the "keong-senel-snail-sifut-nanaonan" and "waterfall-germs" moments to "I love you, Miss Yiska."

It was the hardest part as I and some of my friends were parting as well. Lovely, isn't it??? *ironically correct :)

- My Mom's accident

She got burned, like, literally. That was one of the most unprepared situation that I've ever been. Totally shocked when I first found out. Scared and confused about what to do. But, with Lord blessing, I've managed :) And, by Christmas, she was way better than I expected. Thank You, Lord.

- People come and go

And this time, one went to the country that's been hated by most of the people in my country. Well, at least we had a short trip back to Bandung and met again with shoes in his hands :p

And, another one was my best friend who passed away. Still feel the loss up until now, cry everytime I think of her, miss her a lot :(

Can't believe that it will affect me this much. I cried when I first found out that she got the accident, in a coma, wouldn't be healed and other things. Tears flowed like a river. A non-stop crying.

Lucky, I got my girls, friends, and a (n.s, h.t.b.m.t.j --> by the time it was edited, I forgot what the letters stand for, sorry :p) best friend who stood beside me.

***

Things happened, things passed, all is done, all is well. Some relationships built but ended up need to be rebuild. Heart's got broken, mend, broke again. Things said and sealed, released and kept well hidden. No regret necessary. What's left is only the will to do things better in the coming year...

Happy New Year everyone. Sure, I'm very thankful of what I got this year and still believe for great things to come next year as Lord will always give His blessing toward us :)

Just Enough

2010-12-31T08:24:00.004+07:00

Twas like got hit by thunder. The feeling was unbelievable. Anguish, scared, disappointment all mixed up into one, uncontrollably. Getting away was the easiest way out but failed to reach the end of it. All mad thoughts were rushing, attacking this mind with a lot of deadly ammunition called "what ifs."

It lasted longer than I thought it would. One seemed to be a never-ending torture. In pain was for sure. Holding on tightly to a thin branch that would be soon gone with the wind as it flew swiftly into thin air, careless towards the surrounding. Landed on a softer ground, but too stiff to hold it off. No more thing to grasp. Unreliable. None of any do.

So, I fell. Harder than I thought I would. No cushion prepared to smoother my landing. Hurt. I thought I was gonna cry out loud. I tried to scream and cry out loud. But no. Sure, my heart was beating way faster but I was finer than I thought I was. My tears didn't flood out.

I forgot one thing. I always ask Lord above to brave my soul. I think He just did and took care everything. He gave me just enough courage to get through this situation. It'll still be a long journey toward this thing, but I believe he wouldn't stop at all to give just enough things I need to be a fully loaded weapon I can use to fight in this life. Nothing's better than a just enough of everything.

With just enough, I'll get by :)

A Little Prayer In The End

2010-12-28T23:42:00.004+07:00

As much as I want this thing to work, I realize that there are just too many hurdles along the way that I have to pass. Too many walls to climb, too many muddy rivers to cross, and too many traps to avoid and jump. I don't even know if I would make it there alive at all.

I want to believe that things will work out fine and I'll get what I've always dreamed of, but the signs shown were not that good. Yes, so many positive signs seen, but there's one tiny little thing that might ruin everything.

Differences. It is something that's never been a problem for me that probably will become the minor negative factor that will create a major conflict that will ruin every little piece of positive signs that have been generated along the way.

I have my doubts now and there's no use to hide it. Being a positive person can't help me make it, at least for now. I'm done believing that it will happen the way I always wanted, but will never stop believing that everything will work out for the best on His own way.

So Lord, please give me the courage to face every decision You make that might make me feel unhappy and desperate. Please brave myself for I might not have what I've always wanted. For Your ways are always the best for us. Please open our eyes, heart and mind to see each hidden and obvious kindness and blessings that You bring to our daily lives.

Upset?

2010-12-26T22:47:00.001+07:00

By: Ali Wardhana

Berjalan melintasi ruang dan waktu

Tanpa bersemayam dalam kenyataan

Esensi dari kegelisahan jiwa yang tak pernah tercerrmin

Disanalah kau menari bersama detik yg mengiringi langkahku

Fragmantasi kilasan-kilasan yang terserak

Adalah bagian demi bagian yang kau miliki

Untuk membangun apa yg ada di dirimu saat ini

Dan apabila fabel ini ada tertulis

Apakah itu nyata seperti angin semilir yg terasa di kulitku

Kata-kata yang tercipta

Adalah ungkapan dari gerakan yang ada di balik hati

Namun terlalu terbatas untuk bisa menggariskan apa yang ada

Saat mataku menatap batas dari langit dan bumi

Terkadang cukup tertera setitik adalah mencukupi.

Gejolak yang kau rasakan…

Milikmu seorang…

Dan aku disini hanya bisa menyaksikan..

Dan berkata perlahan,

“Biarkan itu mengalir dan menghkantarkanmu ke suatu titik

Yang ada dalam lingkaran kalbu dan berderit layaknya hari yang terus berjalan”

True Pain Comes From A Hidden Betrayal

2010-12-26T22:32:00.003+07:00

Didn't realize that it's going to be hurt like this

Sense of betrayal that kept hidden in a shade of a rotten list

Ignoring each sign of the doom of once a perfect man

Drowned in a dream that the man once lend

Broken and destroyed before it's begun to blossom

Moved and forgotten before it even appear

Walk one step ahead and move twice backward

Held hostage of blinded hope and wishful thinking

Trapped by words that framed the mind from the reality

False thought and invisible fantasy

Tied by some non-sense philosophy

Outburst Emotion

2010-12-26T22:24:00.003+07:00

It's surprising knowing how much that shiz upsetting me. That never made me this upset until my heart hurt and left me crying.

It's getting clearer that I have to outlist another person in my life. I've been holding back not to do such thing, but this time, it's getting out of hand.

I might not think clearly though, because I've been too upset. Still don't know, and don't want to know, whether he involved in this shiz or not. Well, basically he is, but I need to know how far...

It is disappointing...

Memories Pt. 1

2010-12-26T22:05:00.003+07:00

While talking about "Ksatria Baja Hitam," one of my childhood favorite series, my mind straightly flew to my Dad.

I remember how I rushed him in bed to wake up and get ready to watch the series together. Well, nothing special prepared, just us and the TV. Sometimes, he reluctantly wake up and catch up just right after the series started.

We both had the same favorite, not the hero, but the villain, we both liked Gorgom. He used to 'frightened' me by being one. :)

How time flies...

Dying Soul

2010-12-05T23:43:00.000+07:00

Reflect Up

2010-12-05T23:14:00.002+07:00

Don't try to say to me that it's all my fault

Take a look at yourself first because you're the core of it

Don't try to point your finger at me

Point it to your face because you're the one who flamed the fuse

Don't try to give me your nastiest look

Get a mirror and do yourself a reflection because you're the one who deserves that thoughtless look

Awesomely Mean

2010-12-05T23:05:00.004+07:00

Crash into something that is hard enough to destroy your brain would not be enough to destroy you awful soul

The soul that could banish each and every little harmless spirit and make them disappear forever

Out of sight it goes and unreachable for every barest soul to touch

Nothing to hold and nothing to lean on

No sincere smile to enjoy and hope are lost before it even creates

Vanishing with all the dust that goes along way

Wind never be that breezy no more

Poisoned by your evilly selfish being that no longer a human

You're even twice worse than a king of satan that you once beat

You got him on his knees begging to be forgiven

Yes, you are that awesome, you are that mean

You are awesomely mean...

Conversation Between My Conscience and Myself

2010-11-26T13:02:00.003+07:00

Myself (M): Damn! I think this shiz has got the best of me.

Conscience(C): Well, why do you think so?

M: Maybe because it seems like I'm not myself these days.

C: Nope, I think you are yourself everyday.

M: No, I'm not.

C: Hey, I'm your conscience. I know you better than anyone else, even yourself.

M: How so? I know myself better than anyone else and God knows best.

C: Yes, but I am your conscience. I am yourself and your mind. I am you, inside out.

M: Really? So? You must be thinking I’m not myself lately as well, right? That shiz really got the ebst of me.

C: Actually, on the contrary. I don’t think that way at all.

M: What? How come?

C: Because, that one that you see, the person you feel, the one that you feel that you’re trapped into is none other than yourself. It’s you.

M: Oh, no no no no no no no! It’s not! No way in hell that this is myself.

C: It is you, dear. It’s the other side of you that you kept so well hidden until you forgot that it’s even exist. You deny that side of yours because you choose not to know it. It’s you. It’s part of you.

M: It can’t be.

C: The more you deny it, the harder it is for you to move on in your life. You will eventually find yourself drown in sadness, grieve, regret and other negative feelings that’s created by you!

M: Me? I never create negative feelings. Who wants to anyway?

C: You're right, no one wants to. But, like it or not, realize it or not, it's you who creates every feeling you are feeling throughout your life. So, your feeling is up to you. It's your choice.

M: Really? Are you sure?

C: Yes, for sure. Befriend with every little part and side of you and you shall be fine. Got to know them and easier you'll get by.

M: Will it be easy to do it?

C: Yes, but it takes a long time to make it perfect, but you need not to worry, you're on your way.

Promises

2010-11-26T10:56:00.002+07:00

Promises that framed with fresh flowers from the garden,
Blossom in every step of your way
To the land of expectation lighten by that brightest ray

Promises that goes with a sweet-sounded melody
Sang by the bird in lined on the canopy
Sway you into an island of make believe

Promises that blinded you with its beauty
Chained you with the prettiest smile
Devilish hidden well that no one even care to find out
Until it arises as uncontrollable anguish in whereabouts

Promises that bound you as a hopeful person
Words that grant you a shoulder to lean on
Disappear in time just like smoke that washes away by every tear you cry.

Bailing Me Off

2010-11-26T10:42:00.002+07:00

It's relieving having someone that you trust, someone that you can count, someone that you can rely on, someone that always be there in times of need. But, when that someone is bailing on you, it's going to be something that is really, really, really disappointing.
You just have no idea what to do. Should you be sad because of the disappointment or just simply mad out of it. It's even worse when they lie for not bailing on you, while everything is obvious and lead you that way.
You no longer have someone that you trust, someone that you can count, someone that you can rely on, someone that always be there in times of need. Disappointing, isn't it?
Neither sad or mad are useful no more when everything has been done. There's no other way but moving forward for the way to retreat and moving back has been damaged by the severe betrayal from an angel.

In Him I Surrender

2010-11-11T03:05:00.001+07:00

As I'm here on my knees

Praying my hardest

Hope it will change a bit of a thing

I'm prepared of the falling tears

I'm ready for another disappointment

I'm just waiting for any answer

And when it all happen

All at the same time

Here on my knees I wish

For Lord to bring my finest defense

To finally move on

Although I'm bruised and battered

For in Him I believe

In Him I surrender

My life

My all

I Refuse

2010-11-10T22:27:00.003+07:00

I walked down this winding and bumpy road thousand of times

Stumbled into the same stone

Tripped over the same rock

Slipped into the same puddle of mud

All over again and again and more

So many choices of roads I could pick

All laid down in front of my bare eyes

But then again, this road I chose

Knowing every little part of things from the consequences

I know them very well and they know me better

I know how they will treat me

Nice at times and mean as often

They know how to pick me up and throw me down hard when I reach the top

I'm aware of it

But I refuse to turn around and walk on another path of life

Because, I still believe that this road will eventually leads me

To that pot of gold that I spent my lifetime searching

Afraid I may not

Since the light still shine me down

Even through the darkest path that no one might pass

Vanish at Every Softer Touch

2010-11-10T22:13:00.002+07:00

Keep thinking about what should be done upon us

When every little road leads to you

But the road seems to have no end at all

It winds and it bends all over

Keep thinking about what to do with no fuss

When all is said and done points the way to you

But the way seems to be blurry with invisible wall

It appears and gone not a healer

Decisions were thought every step of the way

Afraid of one thing goes wrong will ruin all the offer

Never been too careful to meet the end

Of reaching out an everlasting happy ending

Not a happily ever after moments

Never been this careful, it hurts

Too scared to lose what's already in the palm of this fragile hand

Something that's ready to grasp but might slip away even sooner

A precious pearl to be seen that's ready to vanish at every softer touch

It's His Decision in the End

2010-10-15T05:39:00.001+07:00

Heard the news in the middle of the day, about one of your loved ones, your best friend, laid in her deathbed, with only a very little hope, if you don't want to say no hope at all, was one of the most shocking news that can make your world stops in an instant. You stop while the world keeps on turning. Don't know really what to do but spreading the news to others and hope they send their prayers along with yours.
A friend who sings along together to any songs that you have ever heard. A friend who dares to admit that you're a friend when you did something crazy. A friend that stands by you throughout your day, wherever you are and in anything you do. A friend who always says that you did good in a thing that you're worst at. A friend who pats you on your back when you're down. A friend who wipes your tears and your frown.
Nothing to do and cannot do nothing. Both kind of annoying. Fingers crossed. Hope only for the best.
Leave it all to You, dear Lord. You're the one who knows what's best for each and everyone of us.

Loves The Crescent Moon On The Sky Tonight

2010-10-10T22:07:00.006+07:00

If you really mean what you say of doing something good for me, then be it. But is that something good for me will always turn out to be hurting my feelings? If so, please, just stop. You don't actually need to do me any good. Just stop. Because at some point, I just can't handle it no more.

You said you care but you don't actually care at all about what I actually feel inside. I said it, but you always take it to the wrong direction and got me misunderstood. You just don't want to spare a little tiny time to think about what I said, about my feelings. Blinded by the rage that you got of someone else and you take it all out on me. You don't want to ever bother to give a time to hear my explanation. Not a bit.

I'm not that stupid little girl no more that can be bought by sweet words or any manipulative steps you're making. I have feeling that grows stronger and thoughts that become smarter. I think and I feel. I hurt and I heal. As time goes by, it will mend all the scar, but never know if they will recover when you keep on rip it open and leave it bleeds.

Oh, forget it, you never know that I have it anyway.

Please keep an eye open when you're too angry and can't seem to see anything clearly in order for you to give your best shot to the right target, not miss it for another and end up hurting innocent people. :)

10/10/10 - My Version

2010-10-10T21:31:00.002+07:00

Okay, so here are some of the weird things that happen today. Why I said weird? Because apparently most people were acting weird today.

Some of them were turning mad, drown by their not so reasonable reasons. Possessed by inner evils that has been kept so well hidden. Burst into an inevitable rage that's unstoppable. Hurt some innocent people for just giving a small comment but got mistaken by the intensively wrong moment. Cannot do nothing right. Everything is just wrong. All wrong. And it goes on and on and on and on. Don't really know when it ends.

Some were just rambling for something that they thought they know they feel when they know nothing at all. Trying to find each hidden meaning of their lives, find any hidden ways that should been taken, but never found. Not a single clue and leave them in a confusing area and they got nowhere to go. They let themselves float around the questions that have been hanging around on their minds. Unanswered. They eventually will let themselves drown in an unnecessary emotion.

Well, and some just go on like any other day. With smile on their faces, tears running down their eyes and traffic cursing flowing through their mouths.

Etiket 10/10/10 - Ali Wardhana

2010-10-10T21:05:00.005+07:00

Segala keresahan bersemayam untk apa????

Kesiaan tanpa bentuk

Menjalar keseluruh syaraf

Seperti racun yang membawa jiwa

Tenggelam dalam laut hitam pekat

Dan membuatku tak bisa bernafas???

Dan kau ...

Tak akan pernah mengerti

Karena ceritaku adalah cerita yg tercerna

Hanya untuk orang yang berada di balik bayang-bayang

Keresahan kawan dr seribu malam;

Kau kembali hadir tanpa bisa ditawar

Responsibility

2010-10-05T23:16:00.002+07:00

Area Unknown

2010-10-05T22:59:00.002+07:00

I sense your doubt

I sense your worry

“I don’t know” seems to be coming handy

To get out from the trap

That’s been set from one mishap

You say those so-called magic words

And gone away the curiosity

Ghastly got into the curb

And back for some insanity

“I don’t know” seems to be the only answer

But that’s not what I seek to be better

I want some precision

Not just something from the area unknown

To My Little Ones

2010-10-05T22:54:00.001+07:00

I’ll send you one brightest star

Please have and put it above and not too far

For it will shine you through each way

From darkness to the light you will sway

I’ll send you one greatest smile

Please cherish and put it in your heart

For it will brighten you up when you’re down

Think of me once will turn your frown

One day,

I hope you’ll be your own star

Stretch the distance and reach as far

Light your own way through each path of smaller bar

With your own self made treasure

Constant Regret

2010-10-05T22:44:00.001+07:00

Everytime you come back and step into my life

You’re ripping my heart

Burn it until it takes time to heal

I guess I can’t really quite over you just yet

Someone that I thought too precious to hold my love

Someone that’s been nothing but a patient angel

That lights each way of my life

I still regret the day that I walked by on you

I still hate myself for not cherishing your unconditional love

One Once Said Pt. 5 - SweetestSin_ox edition

2010-10-05T22:35:00.003+07:00

"The saddest thing is to look in someone's eyes & realize they'll never love you the way they did."

"Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It does not kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head on car wreck, it should. When someone you've promised to cherish forever says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You should not have to sit there day after day after that just wondering how in the world that you didn't figure it out sooner than this."

"Sometimes you’ll find yourself smiling while missing someone at the same time. And if you really need him, fate won't let you lose him. Fate will bring him back. It may not be soon, but he'll come back."

Source: http://sweetestsin-ox.xanga.com/692569910/cause-every-second-that-goes-by-i-feel-is-just-a-waste-of-time-if-im-not-with-you/

Time Looking

2010-10-05T22:24:00.001+07:00

Pain

2010-10-05T21:44:00.001+07:00

Blossoming Smile

2010-10-05T21:41:00.001+07:00

You make me melt

Everytime you look at me with that look

Your smile shines through your eyes

And it makes me shiver

Your laughter blossoms through your smile

And makes me wonder

How do you do that all at the same time?

Thrills me mad

Can’t really hold my ground when you are around

Can’t keep my eyes off of you

I surrender

In your arms I shall belong

Naluri

2010-10-05T21:31:00.002+07:00

Ketika hati diketuk

Insan berlari

Jauh

Sehingga tak tahu kemana pergi

Insan tak peduli

Tak berpikir dengan nurani

Hanya naluri

Yang tertanam di sini

Mata tertutup

Dan enggan berjalan lurus

Tak terlihat lagi harapan

Tak ada lagi asa

Semua hilang terkikis hujan

Lenyap terbawa hembusan angin

Tenggelam ke dalam samudra terdalam nan gelap

Dan tiada kehidupan

Lekang waktu terhenti

Langkah kaki terhimpit

Goresan luka terpatri

Batas sandar terlewati

I Stand Alone

2010-10-05T21:12:00.002+07:00

I have expectations

I have hopes

Please don’t lift them higher

To eventually make me hurt

Let me live them in my own way

Because I’m the one who knows where it exactly lays

Here in my heart it floats away

Until one by one in my grasp stay

You don’t exactly have to support me

When you don’t know how to

Leave me alone and don’t stand by me

Because I don’t want you to

You only brought tears

And fake expectations

Carry and spin me in the wheels

While I’m counting hopes

Go away and don’t stop me

I’m ready to soar, no need to worry

I’ll fly higher than you thought I’d be

To the sky with no limits where you won’t find me

Whisper

2010-10-05T21:08:00.003+07:00

Hey,

Do you really have to whisper every word you say?

When I don’t exactly hear a thing that comes out from your lips?

Speak louder won’t kill you if you mean well

If you think that it’ll hurt

Then, please just don’t speak at all

So that no one will get hurt

What a Joke!

2010-10-05T20:15:00.001+07:00

Awkward

2010-10-05T18:00:00.002+07:00

(Not) Signed, (But) Sealed, (Will Not Be) Delivered (to Anyone Else)

2010-10-05T16:59:00.004+07:00

So, here it is, laid on the table in front of me, the most special 2000 Rupiah money that can cause a quite strong earthquake. Laminated, sealed, so no one will use it anymore.

Well, that’s just me and some of my friends’ opinion since there was an earthquake straightly after we accept this money. Don’t know what was actually gone wrong, though, and maybe there was nothing wrong that relate the money and the earthquake until we call it “Earthquake Money”. But we kind of dislike the person who gave it to us and that’s why we’re making fun of it.

Some of us decide not to use it anymore since it might cause another earthquake.

So unreasonable!!! Fun, though :p

Message in the Bottle Pt. 2

2010-10-05T16:56:00.002+07:00

Need not to worry to show that you’re vulnerable

Need not to worry to show your tears

Need not to worry to let it out

I am here to take them all at the same time

I will sort it out

I will ease you down

Hold my hand and side by side we’ll walk

We’ll lost together and find our way back

Of better tomorrow that’s ready to be grasped

Message in the Bottle Pt. 1

2010-10-05T16:14:00.003+07:00

I cannot wait to tell you that it ain’t worth it for you to chase that *itch. You might not feel that you’re good enough for anyone, but you are. You need to level up your confidence a little bit.

You keep saying that you are not that strong as I am, but I’m not as strong as you are as well and that’s why I’m here. Here, standing by everytime you need a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on

Great Deal Of Bad Chance

2010-09-22T15:44:00.005+07:00

It's funny knowing that everything is going your way but there's still a great deal of chance that it might slip away through your grasp. It sounds ridiculous that something in favor you still lead you to an opposite way that will disappoint you at their best.

Now, how will you act on that?

You definitely feel happy when everything you want is happening. Where the road to your dream is straightening in front of your eyes but your dream is still sealed and you have no idea when will it be released as your possession.

Some might not like the uncertainty and just leave the dream unsealed and choose another pah to heir dream. Some might enjoy the ride and enjoying each view that the road has to offer. Don't really care if the dream will finally become unseal or not.

But me?

I never like to have uncertainty in my life. I hate unplanned things. But, yet again, I'm one of those people who chase their dreams. I love enjoying pleasant things like most people. Yes, sometimes those things ended up with bad things, but still, it makes me happy going through it. So, why should I be bothered but what other say.

I will enjoy the ride until it's no longer fun anymore, even if it means I have to see my dream shattered before my eyes.

I don't really have to worry because I know I still have plenty dreams to chase.

I have my dreams and I gladly go through each path of living it :)

Inferring Inferno

2010-08-22T17:20:00.001+07:00

Staring at you standing there

On the cliff of anger

On the edge of revenge

On the side of feeling invincible

Your eyes blaze a glance of dissatisfaction

Slowly grasping your balance

Your breath breathes fire

Calmly burning your patience

Your voice shouts your emotion of hurt, betrayed and destroyed

Steadily pushing you to the limit

You are beaten down, broken by your own worst enemy

You are inferring the inferno

You are inferring you

Disrupting Cold Darkness

2010-08-22T16:53:00.003+07:00

Darkness silently creeps through the crack of that window

Slowly invades each light that trapped in the highs and lows

Blackened each shadow gathered on every side of the wall

The cold sleeps in when the heat wave shows their faces

Actively melt each frozen air that go around the mazes

Freeze into dissculptured silence that bonded in within its watchers

Disrupted with the noise that strikes out of the blue

Slashing the silence into pieces of deafening thing so untrue

Silently breathes each soul drawn vulnerable and breakable too

Swift to then end where there was barely any beginning

My Little Dreamers

2010-08-17T21:50:00.003+07:00

(featuring Little Dreamer, sung by Christina Aguilera)

Look at the stars, I will take one down for you
No matter what the distance, I’ll see it through
I’ll fill you in between the sun and moon
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

I heard the news that flew my mind way back when I lost you. The feeling I felt back then just came rushing back like a flood held by a strong closed steel door that just been opened. It hurt more than I thought it will. I guess I just missed you deeply.

And whenever in night, the lights go down
I know that you’ll go on to shine somehow
And even if you’re miles above the clouds
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

It still stays in my mind the way that I held you tight in my arms. How you’d stop crying every time I carried you in my arm and sang you a song. The way you calmed yourself down comforted me and made me smile. I even called you my own back then.

Look through the dark, there’s a compass in the sky
If ever you’re lonely and question why
Remember that I’m always by your side
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

And you, with your sweet smile, just like your brother. You shone your light toward each and every one of us. You were our best present on that Christmas with how you stayed up late and babbled your way up to the edge of the bed just to wake us up and played with you.

And even though we sleep like years apart
The galaxy away is not so far
Because we know the future is our dark
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

I remembered how you kept ruining my wrapped presents and gave me that innocent angelic smile and laughed when I showed my upset look. My heart soon melted. And when I played and sang the Cupcake song, you did the same and always asked me to replay the song and you nodded your head.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray we’ll meet inside my dreams
If I should go before I wake
I pray our souls will join again

“You're my honeybun, sugarplum, pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie, you're my cuppycake, gumdrop, snoogums-boogums, you're the Apple of my eye. And I love you so and I want you to know that I'll always be right here. And I love to sing sweet songs to you because you are so dear.”

So long, my little dreamer, I’ll miss your face
We’ll always stay connected through time and space
The journey that we shared but now have to leave
Will live inside of us for eternity, yeah

I still couldn’t quite believe that you both gone shortly after those sweet memories that stick in my head. Stayed by your death-bed was the hardest thing to do. Praying and hoping you’d survive and even sang the song non-stop. But apparently God had better plans for you.

Destiny will be a part of you
I'll feel you in the atmosphere
And nothing will be left to fear

And there I was playing the song by your grave with tears that wouldn’t stop flowing and burning my cheek. Your smiles keep on making me smile, your hugs keep on warming my soul, your smells linger. There will be no way you would go away. You are both safe here in my heart.

So long, my little dreamer, I will miss your face
We'll always stay connected through time and space
And everything we hoped that could never be
Will live inside of us for eternity

Goodbye sweethearts. Go play with those angels and lovely fairies there in the land of eternity. Watch over us with your pretty wings and sing us songs to cheer us up. We will keep you in our hearts and forever be that way. Nothing will take you away or these memories inside.

I will be with you till the end
Always be waiting 'till the end

Safety Pin

2010-08-17T21:37:00.003+07:00

It’s not always easy to not think about what people are saying, no matter how far and serious you doctrinized yourself to not give an effin damn about what those freaky people have to say about you. Once in awhile, you will lose your self control that helps you being senseless toward the hurtful words. And there you are, break down, feeling worthless because nothing that you did is right.

Then, they would wonder how come that kind of speech would hurt your feeling at all. They would think that there was nothing wrong at all with what they did or say while others just laughing at you. Sometimes, they fired back at you, telling you that it’s actually you who hurt their feelings first and tried to turn the table around. Well, that’s a pretty lame excuses and so darn selfish when you did nothing beforehand.

You just want to scream and showed them that you were the one who was really been hurt. You want to give them mirror for them to see themselves doing that particular hurtful behavior toward you.

Well, you might be hurt, might feel disrespected and underappreciated, but please, do move on, walk on by and don’t let it hurt you even deeper. Let it hurt you like a safety pin that pokes you in your arm. It will only hurt a little bit and nothing more that will worth your anger and tears.

A Good Kind Of

2010-08-07T23:39:00.002+07:00

What gives for a wonderful relationship? Smile? Frown? Laughter? Tear? Promises? Honesty? Lies? Reasons? Money and all that glitters? Are all the above needed? Yes? No? A bit of this and a bit of that? Just the positive ones? Or you need the negatives as well? It’s common. Really?

So, what do you really need to have a good kind of relationship? Is it supposed to be filled with a lot of smile, laughter and laughter? Indeed. But, how if you found some frown, tears, lies along the way? Or even more as days go by and time walks on… Would you reckon that it won’t work?

And what about promises that you need to reassure yourself about all the good things that come along? It is something that sometimes couldn’t be kept and covered by cheesy reasons of any excuses could come up in the mind. It is actually something that’s easily made to shut your effin mouth up. Worthless… But you’re hanging in there anyway. Blindfolded by the beauty of the one who gives you empty promises with amazing words that sweetly heard by your innocent ears. You only hear what you want to hear and see what’s pretty in your eyes.

If one said love is blind, well, I got to say it truly is. Love makes you give your all in a relationship, even your dignity.

Love never meant to be hurtful for it to feels good. There may come a time when you have to shed a tear or two, and you shouldn’t complain about it. It’s something that you have to get ready for. You aware of the consequences, then deal with it. Don’t make it complicated as good relationships are not supposed to be complicated. If you doubt it, leave, before it ties you up and bound your soul you’re trapped in the core.

Hold on to your loved ones and cling on someone who you can trust outside the relationship, for them the one who can guide you from the blindness and to see wisely clearer. The rest is up to you. You’re the one who’s in this so-called relationship. You’re the one who knows when to go, when to fly and when to stop.

Rainy Star

2010-08-07T23:33:00.003+07:00

Like a star that shines so bright

You’re blinding me with your beam of light

As I walk this path of hope

Just when I’m ready to come

You walked away and keep coming back

And I won’t beg you to stay for whatever the facts

Now you are there

Hoping that I won’t care

But here I am standing

Waiting for something that has been missing

Like the rain that’s pouring down

You’re freshen me up in this tightening gown

Gown of unnecessary desperation

In need of reassuring expectation

When what we need is getting closer

The space between us is getting wider

Not knowing what to do

Have no clue nor do you

For what I have is what you see

Cling on me as now I’m free

This faith in me will stay

No matter what it will still that way

How Far You Could Go

2010-08-01T14:44:00.007+07:00

There’s always a line of limit for everything, whether you like it or not. There’s a line of time, space, situation and other things that might not cross your mind before.

You think you got into one perfect situation where all necessary points were checked. But, apparently you’re not because of that certain limit got in the way.

The line that you won’t ever able to cross…Ever! No matter how much effort you’ve made, how many changes you’ve been made and how flexible you adjust yourself to the terms of condition you’ve known all along.

That’s just how far you could go in some situations. Nothing you can actually do, but grieve and wondering what actually went wrong that you are unable to see in such perfect condition, what has been missing and left invisible. What is really going on.

Glimpse of Thoughts

2010-08-01T14:40:00.002+07:00

I always find it easy to say what I want to say or how I feel. But, I find it extremely difficult to say what I really mean.

Declaring that you’re in love with someone in public might be one of the most romantic things to do in this world. Everybody would know about what you feel towards that someone, well, at least your friends will. Sweet, isn’t? Your loved ones would put a smile on their faces, especially when they love you in return, it would bring them to the so-called cloud 9.

But, would it be fair to say it when you weren’t that sure about how you really feel? Or worse, would it be fair to say it when you were playing games with someone else, and more, if that someone else was actually falling in love you? Don’t you think it would hurt the other party?

It is Goodbye

2010-08-01T14:17:00.004+07:00

Today was finally the day where I have to leave something, that once I called home and so precious, behind. Memories are left behind, with smile and laughter, frown and tears. Loved ones with teary eyes were barely holding their heads up, afraid of showing what they really felt, afraid of facing a new thing that might even better for them.

A relationship or two are broken. Some were pretended that it will last forever, but most of time it won’t. There wasn’t even a relationship to begin with. Some were trying their hard to make believe that such exist, not even stop when someone found out. It will be breaking along the way and the best will last, not much, but will be one, two will be lucky, and three should be grateful.

Lies were growing faster than even expected before. All grown in one certain perfect condition until it was actually impossible to repair. One lie after another, one cover up and more, never ending unnecessary cycle.

Soundtrack Pt. 15

2010-07-26T21:11:00.008+07:00

MS. EMOTIONAL

Dark clouds hanging over my head

It’s like they follow me wherever I’m at

I hope tomorrow’s gonna be a better day

Wish I had a way to stop the rain

Make the sunshine rays my face

And see this sad girl smile again

How can I uncomplicated things?

Should I write it down?

Slow down

Or shout it out loud

Get my feet back on solid ground

Call me Ms Emotional

But if it takes a thousand tears to cry to clear the clouds, I’ll do it

I won’t hide the pain I feel inside cuz I know I’ll make it through it

Through the ups and downs I’ve come back around

And this is just the way I feel

So call me Ms Emotional

Call me Ms Emotional

Trouble’s always knocking at my door

But I’m not gonna let it in anymore

Cuz I know I’m gonna see more brighter days

Memories of the past have been gone away

I won’t let them hold me down not another day

Feel the sunshine on my face

I’m gonna uncomplicated things

Gonna write it down

Slow down

Shout it out loud

Get my feet back on solid ground

Call me Ms Emotional

But if it takes a thousand tears to cry to clear the clouds, I’ll do it

I won’t hide the pain I feel inside cuz I know I’ll make it through it

Through the ups and downs I’ve come back around

And this is just the way I feel

So call me Ms Emotional

Call me Ms Emotional

And if I fall down

I put myself up again

Cuz the future lies in my hand

And I hold it as tight as I can

One day I look back and all the clouds have passed

Realize things weren’t so bad

So call me Ms Emotional

But if it takes a thousand tears to cry to clear the clouds, I’ll do it

I won’t hide the pain I feel inside cuz I know I’ll make it through it

Through the ups and downs I’ve come back around

And this is just the way I feel

So call me Ms Emotional

Call me Ms Emotional

Soundtrack Pt. 14

2010-07-19T20:48:00.002+07:00

SOAR

I'm leaving today

Living it, leaving it to change

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze

Tongue tied, twisted are all my memories

Celebrating a fantasy come true

Packing all my bags finally on the move

I'm leaving today

I'm living it, leaving it to change

As I'm driving I'm captured by the view

Of so much beauty, the road becomes my muse

The heat is rising and my head soars through the wind

Cool, calm, collective is a child that lost a thing

I'm leaving today

I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change

I'm leaving today

I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change

But somehow I'm missing

I think I really miss it

Turn up the radio

And I'm feeling like I've never felt before

Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams

I'm free, finally free

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze

I'm leaving today

I'm living it, leaving it to change

See I'm leaving today

I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change

I'm leaving today (I'm leaving it to change)

Living it, I'm leaving it to change

Living it, leaving it

Said I'm living it, leaving it

Living it, leaving it to change

(I'm leaving it to change)

But somehow I miss it

I think I really miss it

One day

Soar Up High

2010-07-19T20:40:00.007+07:00

Time goes on

Without me knowing where it went

Seconds turn into minutes

Roll into hours

Drift into days

Swift into weeks

Run into months

Race into years

People come and go

Just when I'm looking for something to grasp,

There you were lending your hands toward me

Just when I thought I have someone to hold on to,

You fly away

Soar up high,

Reach your dream

For I am here

Watching you spread your wings

Step on that pedestal

And jump through each obstacle

For I am here

Waiting for you to come back

With a smile of satisfaction

And say "I got what I want"

For I am here

Standing around you all the way

For you to walk each path of your destination...

PS. Happy birthday! :)

Soundtrack Pt. 13

2010-06-21T22:48:00.002+07:00

BOBBLEHEAD

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Girls like you give girls a bad name

Trying to get a boy but you sound so lame

Thinking it's cute to act real dumb

But the jokes on you, you're stupid hon

Hold up, hold up, you're making no sense

You're talking out your ass

Like a bobblehead, you bobblehead

Just keep your trap shut like your mamma said

Why, oh, why pretend?

I know you got a brain, why don't you use it?

Why, oh, why pretend?

If you so smart, why you act brain dead

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

But wait like, I don't get it

He, he, ha I don't care what you looking at

Body so skinny but your head's so fat

Talky, talky, talky but you don't say shit

Got a way with words, you give me nothing, bitch

Banging on the door, nobody else there

You're nightmare on Elm Street got everybody scared

Make me wanna run when you coming around

Because it's a frightening sound

Why, oh, why pretend?

I know you got a brain, why don't you use it?

Why, oh, why pretend?

If you so smart, why you act brain dead

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

But wait, like, like what like, like what?

I don't get it, like what, what really?

Hanging with the girls makes you feel unsure

So you hang with the boys, makes you feel secure

Act all catty ‘cuz you hate competition

Rather like a sheep on your airhead mission

Laugh in you face but behind your back

They say "I kinda like her booty but the girl is whack"

You see the boys, the boys they love me

Think you're a pain in your butt? Know what? You're crazy.

Why, oh, why pretend?

I know you got a brain, why don't you use it?

Why, oh, why pretend?

If you so smart, why you act brain dead

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah wah

When you talk all I hear is

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

And the real girls say I never play dumb

To get what I want

And always come out the one

That's on top

I never play dumb

To get what I want

And always come out the one

That's on top

I never play dumb

To get what I want

And always come out the one

That's on top

I never play dumb

To get what I want

And always come out the one

That's on top

I don’t get it

Soundtrack Pt. 12

2010-06-21T22:42:00.002+07:00

LIFT ME UP

So the pain begins
As the music fades
And I'm left here with
With more than I can take

If you lift me up
Just get me through this night
I know I'll rest tomorrow
And I'll be strong enough to try

When the static clears
And all is said and done
I will realize
That we all need someone

If you lift me up
Just get me through this night
I know I'll rest tomorrow
And I'll be strong enough to try

So when you see me crashing
And there's nowhere left to fall
Will you lift me even higher
To rise above this all

If you lift me up
Said if you lift me up

Whoo-yeah, ahhh-yeah (repeat x2)

Said if you lift me up
Will you lift me higher

When you see me crashing
And theres nowhere left to fall
Will you lift me even higher
To rise above this all

If you lift me up
Said if you lift me up
If you lift me up
Just get me through this night

Soundtrack Pt. 11

2010-06-21T22:35:00.003+07:00

LITTLE DREAMER

Look at the stars, I will take one down for you
No matter what the distance, I’ll see it through
I’ll fill you in between the sun and moon
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

And whenever in night, the lights go down
I know that you’ll go on to shine somehow
And even if you’re miles above the clouds
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

Now I lay you down to sleep
I pray we’ll meet inside my dreams

So long, my little dreamer,
I’ll miss your face
We’ll always stay connected
through time and space
The journey that we shared but now have to leave
Will live inside of us for eternity, yeah

Little dreamer,
little dreamer,
little dreamer,
little dreamer
Lalala

Look through the dark, there’s a compass in the sky
If ever you’re lonely and question why
Remember that I’m always by your side
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

And even though we sleep like years apart
The galaxy away is not so far
Because we know the future is our dark
‘Til the end I’ll be waiting

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray we’ll meet inside my dreams
If I should go before I wake
I pray our souls will join again

So long, my little dreamer, I’ll miss your face
We’ll always stay connected through time and space
And everything we hoped that could never be
Will live inside of us for eternity

So come on my little dreamer, I’ll miss your face
We’ll always stay connected through time and space
The journey that we shared but now have to leave
Will live inside of us for eternity

Destiny will be a part of you, babe (will be)
I'll feel you in the atmosphere (I'll feel you)
And nothing will be left to fear (nothing left to fear)

Little dreamer, little dreamer (Ooh, said)
Little dreamer, little dreamer (Ooh oh)
Little dreamer, little dreamer (Ooh, ooh)
Little dreamer, little dreamer (Ooh, ooh)

So long, my little dreamer, I will miss your face
We'll always stay connected through time and space (little dreamer)
And everything we hoped that could never be (so mamma)
Will live inside of us for eternity, yeah (I'll see you there)

So long, my little dreamer, I will miss your face (always, always)
We'll always stay connected through time and space (ooh oh)
The journey that we shared but now have to leave (ooh)
Will live inside of us for eternity, yeah (oh ah)

I will be with you till the end
Mmm, always be waiting 'till the end

One Once Said Pt. 4 - Deyana Lomban's Edition

2010-06-21T22:03:00.004+07:00

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

"If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.”

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

"I asked God for strength that I might achieve.I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey."

"Memberi adalah bukti bahwa Anda sudah menaklukkan ketamakan"

“By seeing the seed of failure in every success, we remain humble. By seeing the seed of success in every failure we remain hopeful.”

"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

"When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble."

2010-06-18T00:29:00.005+07:00

I declare myself as one strong human being, who’s not easy to feel down, or cry whenever somebody knocks me of my feet.

But what often happen is me coming into my limit. I broke down. I cried. I kept on wondering how stupid I was, how people could do that, especially when it came down to someone I trust. I hated myself whenever it happened.

I’m one of those whom easily put trust on people, family, friends, even someone that I just mer. I’m one of those whom cannot say any no. I’m one of those whom always have a will to help people whenever they’re in a good need.

But eventually, it all ate me up. It left me hanging desperately in need for something in return when no one could actually fill me in.

People said that none of those worth neither my wrath nor my tears. But sometimes, or should I say most of time, those things work. My anger, disappointment, and sadness seem to go away along those anger and sadness. They lead me to peace. They show me the way.

So, think again, why not?

Why should I hold every wrath of mine? Why should I hide any tear when those things are the only things that help me move on?

So, let me be mad, let me cry, since that the only way that bring me at ease… J

For I Am Here

2010-06-17T23:56:00.006+07:00

Don't close your eyes, my dear

For I am here

beside you

Leaning toward an arm

That is strong enough for me to count on

Don't blink, my dear

For I am here,

Smiling,

And hoping for this moment to last

At least for a little while

Don't walk too slow, my dear

For I am here,

Freezing,

Staring on an empty cold being

Don't run too far, my dear

For I am here,

standing still,

Waiting for one day to come

For us to be saved

Soundtrack Pt. 10

2010-05-28T18:07:00.005+07:00

I AM

I am timid

And I am oversensitive

I am a lioness

I am tired and defensive

You take me in your arms

And I fold into you

I have insecurities

You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it

It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental

And I have imperfections

And I am emotional

I am unpredictable

I am naked

I am vulnerable

I am a woman

I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it

It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands

I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms

Do you know me?

Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental

And I have imperfections

And I am emotional

There'll be no more pretending

Window To Your Soul

2010-05-04T20:23:00.004+07:00

A small piece of something

That I'm not tired to seek

A piece that might have broken

And I'm not afraid to fix

It's the key to the window of your deepest soul

The only place that I really long to be

Right now

The key that's so precious

And not anyone has a chance to see

The key that's once hidden

And might forever will be

The key to the window of your deepest soul

A place that's so beautiful

With every scar and every bit of its flaw..

A Note About You

2010-05-04T20:18:00.005+07:00

There's something in your eyes

That makes me want to hold you close in my arms

A gaze that makes me want to say to you

That everything is going to be just fine

That look that can't help me stop smiling this sincere smile

You stared like you were lost in the past

In moment that wish wouldn't last

You're trying so hard to get off this mess

Here's my hand to hold

Count on me as I already told

Guide me in every step you take and I shall follow

I'll offer you my way

When you're beyond low

And it's all for you to finally decide

Which way you to go

Lead me anywhere

And you shall find me there

Please do remember that I always care...

In Peace

2010-05-04T20:10:00.006+07:00

In this dark night

When no one is around

I begin to wonder

So many questions are running inside my mind

Making me think

When it was the very last thing I want to do

Think...

About what so good

About what so attractive

About what so amazing

A man with the whole perfection

Picturesque of glorious personality

One so sincere

One so kind

One so wise

One so fine

A man with no flaw

A man with such patient that no one else come close

A man with outstanding talent

A man with extraordinary thought

A man who gives his all

Sacrifice his own

For the greater good of life

He might be complicated to understand

Too many wonderful things he's done

Many of ones left us wonder

Left us confuse

Left us keep asking questions

Doubt no more

Believe and adore

Open your heart, your mind and your soul

Simplify...

Just understand that He has the greatest unconditional abundant love...