That Stupid Bitch

Can't believe that you are actually that stupid? Why can't you think that stupid simple thing? Have a bit of initiative please... It won't hurt... I won't be here all the time, so... Come on learn to do things on your own...

Yet Obvious

I have found my prince charming
But I don’t think that my prince charming has found me just yet

I have found my most beautiful butterfly
But I don’t think the most beautiful butterfly has found me

I am this obvious
And I made it obvious that I’m not invisible

Do you need me to make it that obvious
That I might hurt someone else, even you?

Just this

Today I found out that doing something with no heart at all is the most painful thing to do, when you are forced to do it without knowing the benefit for you or others whom you love the most.

Everyone Sees Me

Everyone sees me in some ways

As they wanted to see me

Some see my fun side

Some see my stubborn side

Some see my crazy side

Some see my poor side

They can see me as whoever they want me to be

They can treat me any way they want it to be

But…

They cannot change me…

No matter how hard they try

I’ll stay the same

Until I realize and say that I need one…

Now you will say that I am selfish…

And you are very welcome to do so J

All Is Said and Done

The signs probably have been there for awhile now,
But I refused to see
I’ve been blinded by the sweet words
The kind that always make me down on my knees

And yet, I fall again
To the same place and time of blindfolding situation
Easily…
In a blink of an eye and a snap of mu clumsily fingers that touches the breezy air around my naked soul
Playing happy go lucky might have been easy
But nowadays, it gets harder to play the part of being silly

Learn to let go might be the hardest lesson in life
But these days, it’s definitely harder to really letting go

All is said and done
Wonder if I’m willing to do it all over again

One Regret Led To Another

If I had to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. You have turned my life away the way that you might not know how far.
You, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just way too perfect for me. You definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. Even now. Sometimes I think I might want you back in my life. But, I realize that it’s too late for that now. It might not be the best way anyway.
You, the one that I used to think as a brother of mine. I looked up to you, up till now, I listened to anything and everything that you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you wouldn’t. You were there when I need you the most. You listened, you calmed my down. You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.
You… We started with me who wasn’t myself. Stupid me who was hiding behind that silly mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay. Would we be together if I were not wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know eachother if I didn’t. So call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I am not proud of it. I’m glad I knew you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last. It’s a divine victory for me. I’m gladly relieved seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart.
This is better than I expected, although honestly, I still hope for more… I know I am blessed.

The easy that’s so uneasy

I am easy
I’m easily put my trust on people
And easily hurt afterwards
Yet uneasily to heal the hurt
I’m easily fall in love with someone
And easily hurt afterwards
Where it’s so uneasy to stop that particular someone

What Will I Got To Lose

What will I get to lose when I decide to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

They say love is not everything in this kind of world that we live in
But what will I get to lose when I decided to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

I don’t have anything right now but abundant of love to share with you
When you decide to love me and got nothing to lose
Since you don’t really have anything right now but abundant of love
To share with me…

Turtle Philosophy

A turtle can move anywhere

Sure it’s moving extremely slow

But it will be there

Sure there will be so many obstacles on the way

But it will be there

Why?

Because it has the shell that will protect it all the way

Morning

The morning breeze slips through a crack on my window

The birds whistle their sweetest song

The light of the sun gently embraces my skin

All completed with the simple loving smile from your lips

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another person that I love just passed away,around a month after my grandmother's.My niece,the one that I wrote before about.After struggling with her life,the best way seems to be for her to go to a better place...Well,I guess we just have to deal with it... :) it's time to let her go...at peace and be our angel that looks at us from above...I love you,Jess...

I think I Know Why My Heart Kept on Pounding Yesterday

It was you and the news that I got today and it's all about you... I guess I kept my hopes too high... and there it was, a lightning, strike, right through my fragile heart... Will I be fine? I don't know. My heart still pounds sometimes, skips a beat when there was something about you that cross my life... I will... eventually... as always... :)

All in A Day Pt. 5 - Tell Me If It Was You

There was this guy on my grandmother’s funeral, he’s not cute, he’s not that tall, or not tall at all. Shortly, he wasn’t really the man of my dream or anything. He’s just a man. A man, who, unpredictably, stole my attention or stole my heart to be precise. Well, I don’t know and I’m not sure, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Think about him and me building a happy family. He as my husband and all that which can fulfill my thoughts of a family, I wrote earlier. Isn’t that crazy? I’m smitten.

I really hope to see him again, someday, soon. If it’s meant to be then I’m willing to wait for it to happen.

Oh, by the way, is the way you feel when you find “the one” as in when you know, you know?

All in A Day Pt. 4 - Dedicated to Life

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Dedicated to Life

Dear life,

Should it be this hard to accept someone for the way they are?

Should it be this hard to start something new, something better?

Should it be this hard to smile when you’re in a great big anger?

Should it be this hard to say whatever the way it is without hurting anyone?

Should it be this hard to move on and forget the damage that has done?

Should it be this hard to reach perfection?

Should it be this hard to love and to be loved?

All in A Day Pt. 3 - Things that's On My Mind Today Pt. 2

If I have to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. I never met the two of you, but you both have turned my life away the way that you two might not know.

And you, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just too perfect for me, you definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. What about now? Still, I don’t know. I need someone, yes, I am, but not desperate. Sometimes I think that I might want you back in my life, but… I don’t know if it was the best way or not and my heart keeps saying it’s not. You’d better off without me  I know…

And you… the one that I used to think a brother of mine. I look up to you, up till now, I listen to you, to anything and everything you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you won’t. you were there when I needed you the most. You listened, you calmed me down… You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.

You… we started with me who wasn’t myself, stupid me who was hiding behind that stupid mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay.

Would we be together if I weren’t wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know each other if I didn’t.

So, call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I’m not proud it. I’m glad I know you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a furious hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last which was the bravest thing I’ve done, I’m gladly relieve seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart, this is better than I expected, although, honestly I still hope for more…

I know I am blessed.

All in A Day Pt. 2 - Can't Believe He Text Me

I still recall what happened last Friday. He text me and asked for my picture. It sure was to update his phonebook, but, I don’t know, I’m just glad he did ask mine. At least, he thought of me once in awhile, although it was a random phonebook, and that’s enough for me, that came from someone out of reach for me.

And deep down, I still want him, and I think I still have at least a little pure love for him that’s ready to be grown as an eternal flower of love.

His image and personality, as far as I know, is completing the image and personality of the man in my dream.

Now, is he too perfect? Do I still believe in my dream? Well, I might and I might not, but I do believe that everything happens for the best reason.

I wish I knew what will happen… 

All in A Day Pt. 1 - Things that's On My Mind Today

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Things that’s on My mind Today

I want to have someone who’s got the same religion/belief as mine. So, I can be married to him, have children and go to church together after we have a simple sweet ceremony in church that I always go (if I was in Jakarta) since (maybe) I was born. My (or his) favorite priest will bless us. Our best dearest friends will be there, of course our family too.

I’ll cry, and maybe he’ll do too. We’re gonna sing, if he knows the songs, the songs that the choir will sing (PS. The choir should be those who we’ve known). We’re gonna have our first dance bare feet in a garden with our favorite song(s).

He’ll take care of me while I’m pregnant and our children after they born…

Our children will be active in church, being a servant during services, just the way I’ve never been.

We’ll teach our children about something that we did wrong in the past so they won’t make the same mistakes again. But when they do, we will not say “we told you,” but “be proud of your mistakes, mean that you just got some great life lesson, learn and live it. It’s fun!” and give them the greatest loving hugs and kisses everyday.

We’ll live happily together and we’ll take imperfect happily ever after as our greatest achievement for our love, together. Till death do us apart…

Will he be you?

FoR OnCe

For once

there's no doubt

hanging around in my mind

For once

the whole burden that I'm scared about

is no longer there

For once

I feel like i'm doing the right thing in my life

For once

finally I can put a very wide smile

Angry with the Anger

Sitting here
Quiet
and mind wandering...
What am I doing here?
Just sitting
Quiet
and mind wandering...
What to do
with the anger
that slips through my finger
through my skin
through my mind...

"Aku benci dirimu"

Those are your very last words to me. Maybe you can say whatever you want to say. I deserve it. I deserve all your anger towards myself. I even hate myself for this.
Damn... I miss you, you know. But, sorry... it really has to end.

A night at a time...

Another day came by without you

I guess I'll be okay

Sorry for all the things I've done to you

I really didn't mean to hurt you

It wasn't because of you

It definitely has nothing to do with you

It's just me who doesn't feel the way you feel

It was just me who felt too scared to face anything

To step forward...

To be honest, even to myself

Sorry...

I'm sure you'll be okay...

Goodbye...

Have I Made the Right Decision?

When everybody still loved up after the valentine's day, here I am thinking if I made the right decision already by saying goodbye to him...
Many things have happened to us, the good, the bad, the in betweens, one thing led to another. So many reasons and explainations but yet s...
I still have doubts although at the same time I strongly believe that this is the best for both of us... plus, I still have butterflies flying around in my stomach...
Is it the way you feel when you make a right decision? Or it's the wrong one?
Oh dear Lord... please help me make it through each night...

The RAin Just Pour...

I know you've seen the rain before, but there was something different about this one... Money Rain??? Nope, I mean, it's just the rain, water kinda rain, but, it came so suddenly. Just like that and it was straightly a heavy rain...
Gosh, ehm, I don't actually know what I'm talking about...
Sorry...
Peace y'all...
PS. Rihanna's Umbrella should be more popular by now... :)

Why Can't I?

Gosh... I'm hating myself right now... Why can't I just kill that f***ing b***h? She's really getting annoying each and everyday... Gosh... I can't stop cursing myself right now. I never thought that kind of girl is actually exist... A girl who puts money and everything above it all...

Gosh!!!

I am sick!!!

Maybe, I wish...

I wish everything could go as simple as that, just like a snap of your fingers and everything could go your way, but unfortunately... the answer just has to be 'no'. Although it doesn't mean that there's no way at all, but still... sometimes it just harder than it seems...

But why? Why couldn't it be the way that I want?

I keep asking why, why , why and why to myself. I'm great in giving people answers, but I can't give any answer to my own question... So sad...

I wish i could be a more open person than I am today. Well, in fact, I don't think I'm that open anyway, maybe not even to myself. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the way I feel inside, or maybe just scared to look deep into my heart... to finally realize that it is what it is... and when I do... all just too little too late... or so I thought...

Easy... Hard... Definitely hard...

I am one of those girls who can easily fall in love... But at the same moment, I am one of those girls who's hard to be in love and love someone as a whole... But after I do in love with them... I am one of those girls who's definitely hard to forget the one that I once love... What kind of girl am I? It it a crime? Is it right to call myself a woman now? Why do I even ask that question???Foolish!!! Proud to be one, I guess... :(

Why Does It Have To Be This Way???

Love and to love is more complicated than I thought it would be... Something has always get in the way... There's always something wrong in it. I know that I'm not supposed to expect for something perfect or whatsoever you wanna call it, but still... I wish there's a less difficult way to love and to be loved... I wish... only wishes... I always say that I want to love someone in a whole, not parts. But when I think I could love him as a whole, not parts (since he's waaaaaay beyond the man of my dream), there's just something in between... Something that I'm sure cannot be fix, at least cannot be fix with my way... or this soon...And when I'm ready to love someone as a whole, when I'm ready to love him back... the chance to love just slipped through my bloody frickin vein or whatever... Oh... life... love... leaf... as in a clover... now I don't want to be left alone.

Hello... hello... :)

Finally...
I managed to create a real blog here... a bit late (maybe more), but hey... better late than never, rite...
Anyway... Ehm... Just want to say hi to everyone here and...
by the way... again... you can request me for some songs, since I downloaded some songs here as well... so...
I'll wait...
Catcha later...