Minding Our Words

Don't people in this world have at least one secret that they won't share to anyone? Doesn't matter if it was a simple secret or dark ones. But I believe, even the most 'open to the world' person has at least one tiny little secret. Yup, that says it.

Some people probably think that I'm one of those kinds, the one that 'open to the world' kinda type because I could grumble about anything and come up as a very loud and spicy person at times (or most of time.) I just could not be a quiet person, although I've tried my hardest to be claimed one, but it never worked, ever. But I am not.

I don't keep that one tiny little secret. I keep tons of 'em. Not just mine, but others as well. I keep some things to myself and do not expose it to anyone. Including my feelings.

Yeah, I know, people keep saying that you have to let it all out to make yourself feel better. I do let out some of the emotions and feelings, but I choose which one and to whom I shall express them all. So, sorry if I don't directly barely express any bit of it to anyone out there.

Oh, wait... I don't think I should feel sorry about it. That's my choice and I have reasons for it. I hope people can respect that. Sometimes I wonder why do some people having problems respecting that when I believe that they are doing the exact same thing. Even long-time married couple or forever couple or best friends or even family. That small little tiny simple secret will exist. If you think I was wrong, well then, think again, fellas, dig deep!!!

I did not say that let-it-all-out way is bad, or telling everything they way it is will be good for any kind of relationships, but, don't you think choose wisely is needed? I mean, you don't go sharing WTF to children or giving bad comments to an easily-destructive person, aren't you? You don't go share your bestfriend's hatred towards your other bestfriends, right? Or do you? Don't you think about their feelings at all? Or have you chose to take risks? Don't you realize that even more people might be damaged by how you truly feel? Don't you ever think about what if it was concerning your loved ones that might get hurt to? Have you considered if they deserve it or not? You do, right?

Well, all I'm saying is don't you think it's better to keep some things to ourselves (even candy or gadget, you don't just go around and share them to anyone, especially kids or strangers, even closed ones, you know why.) And when it comes down to feelings, it'd be better for us to think twice or even more, to make sure that we hit the right target and with the right reasons so we can give them a fair consequences of what they did. We don't want to quick-judge people with our bare thoughts as we don't want to be quick-judged by others. Because this quick-judging thing comes from nothing but a blind-assumption that leads to a worse/worst-conclusion.

We have every tool to do better about these things. We have our ears to listen. Take time to listen so we know every reason behind every action (although some stupid things done without any reason). We have our eyes to see what actually happened. We have our hearts to feel what's right to be done. We have our brains to decide how it could wisely be done. We have our hands, feet and the rest of our bodies to act. Unless you don't have those or even worse, have it all full-functioned but refuse to use any of 'em.

So yeah, I think I made my point here. I'd rather keep some things to myself, including feelings and secrets, especially things about people I love the most. I definitely tried my best (since I haven't actually done these things perfectly, but I know I've done my best,) to not hurt anyone, especially my loved ones since I care about their feelings a lot.

PS. Plus, I kinda think that those people consider me as a celebrity since they wish to know every little thing I've done and how am I feeling toward others, especially my loved ones. I don't publish my charity or good things I've done to anyone. It is even written on the bible, Matthew 6:2 and Matthew 6:3, the book that you claim love to read. Or have you missed those parts? #justsayin D'oh!!!

For Good

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit (Like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes a sun (By a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder (Like a seed dropped)
Halfway through the wood (By a bird in the wood)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you

Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

This Has Been

I really thought that I gave my all in this so-called friendship. But, I guess what I've done was never really enough. I constantly feel left out and disappointed, knowing not what I've done wrong.It seems like I've done nothing right. Yes, not a single thing seems to be right since everytime I say my opinion, they will slash me off, chop me into small pieces and just step on all over me. One or twice might be funny, but constantly...? Underappreciated...

How come you don't feel left out when you used to be a harbor for everything and all of the sudden you are not anymore with no reasons explanation at all?I feel like I've tried to understand every being and forgot about me being hurt many times. But what I've got? A walk out. Disappointment.

Hardly anyone to hold on to when I thought I can count on them.I've tried to be the adult and maybe I've failed because I was not that strong enough to handle all of those emotional outburst and childishness that has been going on all the way.

They will never believe how I cried over this because, yes, it hurt that much since I put a real value in this whole thing. I've been betrayed, stabbed in the back. They might not really see it because I've tried to hard to hide it in order to have more understanding in every situation and personality given. I've tried to respect each and everyone. But, hey, if the outcome yield the same situation, why bother being what I've become?

I guess it's time to say goodbye...This whole thing is shizzling.

It's still a pleasure meeting them all and I appreciate every moment we used to have.A lesson well learned... :)

You're Amazing

Looking at your innocent face

Amazes me in every case

Your sweet words

Capture my heart to the chord

Yes, you are amazing

Your charm brought me to the light

Bedazzled me in everything

Create faith that I can hold on tight

Oh, you are amazing

You are something I can cling in

One storm just come rushing

Thunder lets your defense falling

The rain washes away your smile

The lightning flying it away for miles

Oh, you were amazing

And is that mask you're wearing?

And is that script you're reading?

And is that you you're playing?

You're changing colors faster than seconds move in a clock

You're swinging your mood worse than dancers in a dock

You paralyzed by things you analyze

You claim the world is yours alone to synchronize

Too weak for one who thinks he's the strongest

Too stupid for one who thinks he knows it all

Too timid for one who thinks he's the bravest

Too vulnerable for one who thinks he could rule the world

Yes, you were amazing

For every little things you've done

Yes, you are still amazing

For every little dumbest thing you've become

Unbelievably amazing

Because you don't simply don't know how stupid you are

Wonder as I Wander

Seems like the dark clouds follow, cover the world around all day

Prevent the sun from shining its brightest beam to the earth

Block the warmth produced by the sun

Wonder as I wonder here on earth

Tripped over something unknown and hurt

Then lost into one journey

Of what's cold and blurry

And here I am with my mind floating everywhere

Here and there uncontrolled of what's coming next

The past and future running after each other as they dare

Passing carelessly listing and hiding every little facts

Eyes cannot be shut wide open

Lips cannot be sealed while singing

Hand cannot be cuffed when it's hidden

Feet cannot be tied when it's running

Looking over my heart and soul wishing to find one solution

But only gap there is to see and reach beyond

Gap that's been created even before ones born and wonder on

Something that might be crafted by both you and I in portion

Both part away too far to be reach

One too tired to move on

One is heartless and walks on

Way in the middle is transparently being ditched

Life is, Indeed, Never Easy

Never say that life is an easy path. Living life is way too complicated to understand. Every step of the way is filled with plenty of choices, good and bad. It's our decision to pick one that suits us best.

Never say that life will provide you good times and everything will come your way. Even if it does, you will not have that satisfaction you are looking for. That good feeling of winning things and sincere contentment.

But, nevertheless, let's not make an excuse to make other's life even more miserable.

PS. Just like what you're doing all along...

I'm Simply Scared

You might feel like I've changed or became even more annoying that I usually was. Don't worry, I feel the same way. I'm wondering to myself as well, about what is going on with me, with my mood and my temper that raised like a rocket. Yup, that fast. I just couldn't help myself. I lost my grip of patience.

Many times I asked myself to calm down and be positive but always making me ended up in the bottom of my sorrow. Crying is all I can do when I can't scream out the words I long to say.

Too many disappointment from someone I really trust, someone I really count on. What comes worse, most of the disappointment came in unexpected moments, and worst, it happened times in a row.

Some might say that it's time for me to let it go for it has happened for so many times. But, I can't. I made myself this promise some time ago to just stay here and not leaving, because I'm needed, because that's what I should do.

Been trying so hard to forgive but it's definitely hard to forget. All gathered into one conclusion, I'm simply scared of losing you.

Leaving My Worries

Here I am

Just lay and staring at one brightest star

Wishing for a wish that never dies

Or damned

All coasts are cleared

All shores are tamed

But one inside is restless

Begging a soul to keep making a mess

No good is quite right

No crime with such light

Darkness might turn into gray

But shine seems kid of far away

When loads are bared

And hopes are said

Fight begins to fade

All worries should be laid

To rest...

At best,

This worries should be left alone

Leaving them done

In the hands of The Great Creator

At least,

I am only this fragile human

With human nature decorate the soul

And there's no shame to be one

So, here I am...

Trying to leave all my worries behind

In the hands of good Lord to be done

All the best alone at His time...

Surat dari Tuhan

KEPADA : KAMU

TANGGAL : HARI INI
DARI : AKU
PERIHAL : BERSYUKUR
baca sejenak deh,ga rugi kok ;)

Ini AKU,
Hari ini AKU yang akan menangani semua masalahmu..

Catatan :
Dan ingat,
Bila Dunia ini menyodorkan masalah yang tidak dapat kau tangani sendiri,
Jangan berusaha menyelesaikan masalah itu.
Tetapi, letakkanlah saja masalah itu diboxKU utk KUselesaikan..
AKU akan menyelesaikan masalahmu sesuai JADWAL yang AKU tentukan sendiri.

Semua masalahmu PASTI akan AKU selesaikan,tetapi sesuai jadwalKU, bukan jadwalmu.
Setelah semua masalahmu kamu letakkan dalam Box,
Janganlah kamu pikirkan & khawatirkan.
Sebaliknya, fokuslah kepada semua hal2 BAIK yang sedang terjadi padamu sekarang.

Bila kamu terjebak kemacetan dijalan, Janganlah marah,
Sebab masih banyak orang di Dunia ini yang tidak pernah naik mobil seumur hidupnya.

Bila kamu berhadapan dengan masalah di tempat kerja,
Berpikirlah bahwa masih banyak orang yang menganggur bertahun2 tanpa pekerjaan.

Bila kamu sedih karena hubungan keluarga, pikirkanlah orang2 yang belum pernah merasakan mencintai dan dicintai.

Bila kamu merasa bosan dengan akhir minggu, pikirkanlah orang2 yang harus lembur siang malam tanpa libur utk menghidupi keluarga & anak2nya.

Bila kendaraanmu mogok & mengharuskan kamu berjalan kaki,
Janganlah marah,
Pikirkanlah orang2 cacat yang sangat ingin merasakan berjalan diatas kaki sendiri.

Bila kamu melihat dicermin rambutmu mulai beruban,
Janganlah bersedih,
sebab mempunyai rambut hanyalah merupakan impian bagi orang2 yang dalam perawatan Kemoterapi.

Bila kamu merenungi makna hidupmu di Dunia ini & merenungi apa tujuan hidup mu ini ?
Bersyukurlah O:)
karena banyak orang yang tidak punya kesempatan hidup yang cukup lama untuk merenungi hidup mereka.

Bila kamu memutuskan untuk meneruskan surat ini ke orang lain,
Terima Kasih
Kamu telah menyentuh kehidupan mereka dalam banyak hal yang tidak pernah kamu bayangkan :)

Promises Meant To Be Kept!

Don't actually know where to start writing this stuff that's been going on in my head. It all started when everything suddenly goes wrong with no obvious reason and left me wonder about what the hell is going on. No clear answers have been creating various negative assumption and judgment.

Frightened and confused of what is going on led to an ultimate silence. It's hard to deal when you found out one has labeled oneself as the victim when it's supposed to be you who feel victimized and you are.

Curse and anger gladly dance throughout the flame of a burning emotion. Uncertain when it will end, or maybe never. Leaving should be the easiest way to escape but it certainly isn't the easiest way to do. So many things get in the way, whether to escape or even to stay. Clueless and stuck between invisible non-removable things.

I've been trying to reach the way out but all the effort seemed to be no use and no good. All bounced me back to the point where I started to crumble. That fortress of yours is too thick to break through and too high to climb. There's no way to come in and obviously no way out once you're in there. Not even a window to peep.

You and your selfish way, so unpredictable and destroying at most times.

I want to just run and escape from all these negativity you've been creating. I need to find my sanctuary that I thought I'd find it in you. All those positive effect that you've building were fallen to pieces. Leaving nothing but grieve and it's nightmare you've become.

I really wonder if you still remember all the words and promises you said to me and if you realized that everything you do has done nothing but hurt to people around you and even yourself. I also wonder what have I done that cause me thrown into this position. No answer and left being clueless are all that I got. The worst is knowing you that well that scares me. You and your ability to do what you're capable of doing.

But, here I am standing. Staying in my point of crumbling. Trying to hold on of maybe what's been missing all along. I'm bounded to promises I've made because I believe that promises need to be kept...

And I do still have my faith in you.

Solitude Labors

Walking in the midst of a land that I know so well

Following the path that laid by my eyes

Clean pavement with beautiful view in every cell

But it's hot like hell yet very cold as an ice

Try to find the center of it

Through these black bricks of a winding road

Ain't no road that's easy enough to hit

So I just continue and welcome myself aboard

Searching in high bushes

Looking in a hidden place

Exploring in the tall grass

Seeking in a major mass

Staring at a steel fortress with thousands of soldiers

A flag is dancing free in its pole high in the air

Stating the fortress as a solitude labors

Where everything is impossible and nothing is fair

All efforts ends in a reluctant success

Going around and try to find an entrance will be helpless

The wired wall won't come down by itself

Desperately filling self but ends up hopeless

Invisibility

Things change one way or another

People come and go sooner or later

No power created in the palm of the hands

To avoid the moments in the sands

No more tears left to shed

No more words left to be said

No more smile left to shared

No more laughter left to laid

All gone scattered in many direction

Invisibility covered with such gracious transparent

Left one stranded in a middle of nowhere

With nothing to hold on to and nothing to spare

Invisibility tried to catch up with darkness

Invisibility tried to dance with loneliness

Invisibility tried to humor the bitterness

Invisibility tried to sing for the emptiness

Nothing seemed to work

Shielded by a power so grand and bold

Playing every exist wrong piano chord

To a failing epic love song like a dirty pork

Can't find any other way to move away from this invisibility

Can't find any other way for people to see

Can't find any other way to show off the availability

Can't find any other way to scream about this consistency

Trying so hard ain't getting invisibility a chance to shine

Drag them off the box where they can lean

Wish for being invincible and lead the front line

Than being invisible and not being seen

Sadly, I'm Right...

I've always sensed that something went wrong. Wasn't quite sure what it was, especially when no one said anything.

Things were forced to please people one way or another. Didn't quite working well. Instead, me, personally felt really hurt. Seems like all my effort was worthless. Nothing was right when perfection was already impossible. Knowing nothing might be suck, but, knowing everything could be suck even more. Both ways were annoying.

Now, I found the clue that explains everything. Why things have been like this and such. Surprisingly, it wasn't surprising at all. Although I have to admit that it was making me wonder and flattered at the same time. Funny how it made me feel that way, right?

Puzzled, as always, and it's making me think about how should I react in this situation. Be quiet isn't taking me to a spot where I always wanted, but making a slight move is not helping at all. Searching for the best way to accomplish the mission.

Hurt but barely could cry. One wish had come true, not to cry over this and just be brave enough in going through every bit of this. This heart has beaten out of my chest, screaming out to be let go of every little bit of strong emotion. It screams in silence I can't even hear, but surely can feel every strong beat of it. Determined, but helpless.

This brain wants to go where the heart doesn't want to even tiptoe in. Sure they both going to the same final point, the only problem is the way they have decided to board on. Split between two indecisive major parties. Difficult to choose one and leave out the other when both have a really strong connection. Both made me myself, who I am today. Both constructed me to be a well human being. Not perfect, but just enough to light one candle for the whole wide world.

If Only Words Could Come Easily

Many times I bite my tongue just to prevent myself to say what I should say straight to your face. Many opportunities wasted just because I feel afraid of what the result might be, for what I believe, it has a very big chance of me losing you in one way or another. I never wanted for that to happen at all, for what we have right now is something that I truly treasure and appreciate.

So, what now? Nothing, I guess. But constant prayer every time I think of you. And hints, yes, something that I rely on lately. Hints I've been given and clues I've been telling.

All is hidden, all is kept so well. Incapable of bare everything down the winding road. It goes too long to be able to be explained. It's way more complicated and filled with bumpy hinders here and there. Unable to straight them down. Crumpled into one big ball of hope with no core.

Blindly driving the blinded emotion that gets the best of the most logical logic. Beaten by the anxious that keeps creeping and eating each little core of poor courage. Damaged and supressed. No way out. Just stuck there, wondering when will this wandering ever over and where it may lead. To my path, or someone else's...

Missing You

Why would this anger come when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would this feeling of being ignored is dancing around my head when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would this jealousy taking over me when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I act hostile to you when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I rambling off my head when what I actually feel is missing you?

Why would I want to forget you when what I actually feel is only missing you?

A Step Forward

Every time I think I have given a step forward, I always afraid to be pulled back a few steps backwards. Leaving the scars open with no cure to close it.

Mixed up feelings stirred with the sharpest knife ever found. Making its way of creating a brand new scar. Unknown and indescribable. No words could ever express what it really is.

The footsteps were all there. Time still keep them well enough for me to remember. The happiness, laughter, smile, gladness, sadness, tears, anger, disappointment and everything in between. Crystal clear. Each with some sprinkle of feeling so safe and secure.

Still trying my best to get rid of that feeling and just focus on the now instead of wondering what might happen the next...

Only A Prayer Away

A friend who sings along together to any songs that we have ever heard.

A friend who dares to admit that I’m a friend when you did something crazy.

A friend that stands by me throughout my day, wherever I am and in anything I do.

A friend who always says that I did good in a thing that I’m worst at.

A friend who pats me on my back when I’m down.

A friend who wipes my tears and frown.

Yesterday was her birthday. One person that has taught me the true meaning of friendship that never ends. The youngest amongst us all but yet the most wise little girl I've ever known. She will always be the youngest now, she's gone, but only one prayer away :)

I’m not actually sure how we met, unless the fact that we were classmates during our first year in High School. Not exactly sure when we became best buddies but the fact that we were in a choir called UCV. We spent around 7 years together and the rest were apart. Started from High School until we graduated from the university and parted because you started to work at Jakarta while I stay in Bandung and so on. But, I could go on and on and on about great moments what we had together.

Remember when we were cleaning “all part” of the school together because the “petugas piket” forgot to pick the broom and dustpan? Remember all the stories from pictures that we took altogether? You were chosen as one of the Trio Kwek Kwek member because you chat a lot. Flo even threw a paper on me (or us) once because we chat. How we picked you as our Baby Spice since you are the youngest and together with Adek, Vita and Amel made noise all along during our FPS era, plus picking up some Spice Boys and Telletubbies of our own. I still remember the one that you have a crush on and how we laughed and cried together during the ups and downs of the competition. When we were in our last year of High School, the only time you would come to my classroom was when you have no homework, and we straightly said that to you every time you enter the room, “Ga ada PR, ya???” and laughed along afterwards.

We had a bit more fun during our college days. The only annoying things were when one day you came to my place, whiningly said, “Yiii… Gue bête. IP gue jelek…”and when I asked about the point, man, that was waaay higher than mine. And never forget when I came by to your place and you said, “Sori ya, Yi. Kamar gue lagi berantakan banget.” When I stepped in, it was very very very neat in my version. The next one was kind of annoyingly helpful. Everytime I said, “Ke… Pulsa gue abis…” You will always reply, “Udah, sms pake punya gue aja.” Because you have tons of call credit in your red Nokia cellphone. We always tried our best to made time to be around each other no matter how busy we were with our own activities.Andrew, Inneke, Monic, Danny, Aris and others were sometimes joining in.

You graduated first, find a job quicker and moved back ahead. The only thing that you keep saying was how you really really really want to go back to school. And after a quite long while, you had your wish and you graduated (faster, as always). Still can’t quite believe that you’re gone faster as well. Maybe you were born to live in fast lane :)

Won't ever forget your smile, how you sound and the way you talk. Won't ever forget your laughter and your freakingly innocent face when you did something stupid. You’re one hell of a friend.

A friend who sings along together to any songs that we have ever heard. A friend who dares to admit that I’m a friend when you did something crazy. A friend that stands by me throughout my day, wherever I am and in anything I do. A friend who always says that I did good in a thing that I’m worst at. A friend who pats me on my back when I’m down. A friend who wipes my tears and frown.

Friendship is overflowing, but to me you cannot be replaced. I will hold you tight in my dreams. Though you're gone, you're not as distance as it seems :)

Thanks for being there for me through every step of my life, together and apart. You were an angel then, a real one right now.

Love and miss you always... :) *hugs*

-Yiska- xx