Starsun Flower

The clouds all gather around

Swinging with all their glory

Round and round

Dancing one and another

The wind then come

Blow its soothing yet surprising breeze

Rhythmically dance around the clouds

Gather them closer, abound

Come together, my cloudy cloud friends

Come closer

Let’s protect the sun who’s making love with the star

They shall not be seen

At least not by that blooming flower that stands alone in the meadow

It’ll wonder why…

Why this way after all this time

So let’s keep on dancing

Come together and come closer

Let’s cover up

Remember when the morning comes

The sun rises and the flower blooms

Blossom, alone in the meadow

And the whole day

The flower sparks its colorful smile

Until it’s time for the sun to go

Break the dusk and wait for another dawn to come

It gets closer but yet harder to grasp

As time goes by

As it comes to another day of life

So let’s keep on dancing

Come together and come closer

Let’s cover up

If tomorrow never comes

Hope that the sun knows and realizes

It has been loved

By the blooming flower that stands alone in the meadow

Worlds Apart - The Veronicas

I'm gonna hold you for the last time
I'm gonna cry but afraid not to let it show
This is the hardest way to say goodbye
'Cause as you walk away I'm feeling so alone
I don't understand
You had to leave and I'm not part of your plan
We both agreed but now I regret
There are so many things I should have said

But now I've let you go
I'm holding back the tears
I'm here alone
Forgetting all the years
And now there's nothing I can do to bring you back to me
Oh
So we live our different lives
It's so hard and there's no
more you
and I
but we're worlds apart

Sometimes it's hard to get to sleep at night
Sometimes I think about the way it could've been
I see you everytime I close my eyes
I try to shut you out
Instead I let you in
I can't pretend
I wanted it to end
For you and me

But now I've let you go
I'm holding back the tears
I'm here alone
Forgetting all the years
And now there's nothing I can do to bring you back to me
Oh
So we live our different lives
It's so hard and there's no
more you
and I
And I'm missing you tonight
But we're worlds apart

What I'd give for one more day
Just to say the things I need to say
If only
Time was not erased

As you walked away
I knew I couldn't explain to you
And I can't pretend
I wanted this to end
For you and me

Happiness in Love

Today, there were 3 friends of mine talking about their love problems, and one of them, wrote this, "I just keep asking why it is so hard 4 me to find happiness in love."
Define love and define happiness. Many people will come up with many definition, all with their own thoughts, addition and repetition, nothing's right, nothing's wrong, everybody has their own justification.
What's mine and what's yours?
To be honest, can't really define those two words and make any connection out of them. Do they really connected?
I always claim that I'm the kind of girl who easily love someone, and I love doing it. Based on what I've seen from myself and my point of view, love will be defined as something unconditional. For me, there's so many ways to love someone unconditionally, such as befriend, and be there in time of needs, just listen. Well, something more always appreciated :)
It is hard when you want something more but, apparently, seems so out of reach for so many reasons, even for the worst and most stupid reason. But, think that you could love them in another way may make you feel a bit better. There's always a way to love someone, isn't there?
By the way, can you really tell when do you really really in love with someone? I mean, why is there so many couple divorce when at first they claim to fall in love to each other. Shouldn't love last? Nothing is so good that last eternally, but in love, I assumed it should be 'till death do us part' thingy. Death is not divorce paper!
Okay, let's move on to happiness. Ehm, shortly, I am a happy person, as in happy happy or happy go lucky, both quite the same for me, just the same when I put on a smile or a fake smile, no matter what, it's still a smile. Have I found my happiness? I can't answer that really. I have so many wishes came true up till now. Got my friends, my life, my dreams, sunshine, so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy. But do they?
Respond to this statement, "Feel good is something we earn or something we have to fight for?" It might appear as an easy question for you, but I find it hard to answer this one. Very very hard... Can't even conclude now, so, I'll leave it floating in the air, the water or whatever...
PS. I'm trying to move on, and still trying. Sometimes I think I have, but, keep coming back and stranded, again and again, but I don't want you to say goodbye as well. I won't say I love you just yet, but I surely care about you, and that won't change that easy. So, all I ask from you is to let me love you in my own way, let me care for you, let me carry you, because I'd love to... :)

ALL IN A YEAR – 40 LITTLE THANK YOU NOTES

Many things have happened this 2008, the goods, the bads, and the standing stills. All have passed. Some stays in my heart, some just goes away. But all in between, I have no regrets to those things. I won’t say I learn many things this year, but I had learned some of the hardest lessons in my life. I had the ups and downs just like everybody else. I failed and I succeeded just like everybody else.

So, welcoming this year, I would like to send a little thank you notes to those who have been fulfilling my life, on 2008 and or for more years to come.

· Lord, thank you for all your blessing throughout the days and more to come. I believe that you will give me nothing but the best.

• Papa, Mama and Dede

This might be a short one compare tp what you have given me, but, please know that I thank God everyday for all of you. You’ve been there for me all the way, with the obvious or hidden endless support understanding that often makes me confused. Your love keeps me believe in myself at the end of the road, and I truly love you for that.

· Meet my angels: Bening, Raisha, Denzel, Keeya, Zahra, Timmy, Arya, Nindya, Raffa, Jeremy, Rainier, Bayu, Rasyad, Kenneth, Aini, Muria, Noni, Shelvya, Axl, Kaylee, Jolly, Livi, Kei, Angga, Claire, Dhafin, Felicia, Glenn, Rere, Tabe, Fano, Michelle, Chacha, Devon, Bryce, Erica, Stuart, Zeta, Vrinda, Kaka, Darren, Michael, Derrick, Bima, Nabil, Fabian, Annika, little Zahra, Tasya, Gio, Kingking, Jeje, Eldy, Tacia, Lala, Raymond, Axel, Leon, and the rest but not least. I couldn’t thank my angels enough for what they have given me. Calm me down just with their simple sincere smile. I got some unpredictable worthy lessons from them.

· Bapak Didit, Ibu Diba, Bunda Yane, Mama Henny, Mama Tina and Mama Nita plus Facebook parents, Ibu Fanny, Ibu Diah, Ibu Daning, … Bet you guys didn’t know that you have spiced me up a little. Thank you so much, and sorry for the hippy or too happy things that just uncontrollably came out. Sorry to say, but you’re going to see more in the upcoming days. Peace! J

· Ibu Yuli thank you for my so called surprise birthday cake.

· All babysitters, thank you for your smiles that made me smile back. Be happy!

· Monica’s Club, Agnes, Sendy, Geby, Eva, Mei Na. You won’t believe how much I love you. Thank you so much for standing by me through work days and even more. Thank you for listening all through my b****ing, anguish, laughter and cry. I couldn’t ask for better friends at work or outside or whatever. Hope we’ll stay this way not just at Dr. Sukimin, but also Dr. Curie… JOKING! I mean, NAV, Happy Puppy, Lemonade, Venetia (WHAT???) Pren Poreper lah! Xoxo GOSSIP GIRL.

· Dine!!! Thank you for ‘the look’, ‘the words’, the advices that surprised me all the way. Thank you for opening my mind. Still couldn’t believe that those came from you. I’m going to need more advise in our days to come.

· Meiko, you’ve given me more than you think. You made me glad that I learned something the hard way. I won’t say that I’m going to get rid of my childish behavior inside of me, but, I’m going to control it better… I’m going to miss you at last.

· Ms Ida and Ms Tias, thank you for lending your ear towards me, this little girl who is still trying to find some light in her mind.

· Hasti, Nuri and Mirah. Thank you for listening to my overwhelmed feelings and getting me to fight back for what I deserve. Thank you for standing where you are.

· Jenny, Winny, Dionne, you have a long wide road ahead of you. Keep on fighting. Thank you for not being so difficult new kids on the block and for cheering me up throughout those days.

· Bu Vera, Pak Evan, Ms Lisa, thank you for the support and the chance to learn a lot of things.

· Bu Fangfang, thanks for sharing the American Idol. Cook won because of us.

· Ditaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I won’t say I miss you, but thank you for missing me. GOTCHA!

· Nancy, thank you for letting me to make fun of you. Miss you lots, girl.

· Jane!!! Can’t believe I miss you. Thank you for filling my days with awesome laughter and unnecessary jokes. You were the best, and now I am.

· Irma and Dewi, thanks for helping. Wish you all the best.

· Securities, thank you for your continuous protection.

· Aris, thank you for all the things that you share with me. The movie and songs files, the life and love stories, the car, the shows, the b****ing, the cursing and every little thing. I’m glad to have you around those days of my life and hopefully more to come.

· Nia, you might not be with me all the time, but you have given me the quality time every time we met. Love ya, love ya, love ya, sis!

· Monyet, Inneke, Honey David, Harry, Fofo, Satriya, Cisco, thank you for the quality time that we have spent throughout the year. We should hang out more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, and more. Love you sooo much. I’ll be here anytime you need me.

· Robin and Jeff. Boys will be boys, guys. Thank you for listening to my boy and non-sense problems. Emrey, miss you! Facebook, please, lol. Sarah, thank you for letting me sharing the music and work, work, work, boring life. Love you all, people!

· Robert, thank you for making me smile throughout those days and I wish you a great life ahead. Miss you!

· Heidi, Helen, Sisca, Tiya, Gigin, my politician friends that will never be colleague, may prosperity of this country and the world be with us in every way. Peace towards anything that anywhere that anyplace. Understand? No? Me too! (Terima teman apa adanya menjadi slogan yang abadi)

· Dian, Jejes, Cilla, Nia, and fellow Alto, thank you for letting me sing with you while bothering here and there. Carry on, girls.

· Anggie, Nina, thank you for sharing and you know where to find me if you need another time.

· Ega, Theo, Ucil, thank you for that short laugh and idea to make that “Di Dalam Dunia Gue” edition, release date planning will be April 2009. Beware!

· PABAI (Persatuan Atlet Badminton Alto Indonesia), Hilda, Dian, Donna, Erlie, plus Bayu, thank you for keeping your smile available. Keep in touch, ladies!

· Kuki, David, plus Winna, you bee eye see tea itches, thank you for giving that unbelievable gossip name, autocorrect, and thank you for giving me great laugh and a wide comfortable crazy zone when we met.

· Lutfi (a.k.a Brian Quagmire, I made that up, but look, they fit :p), thank you for sharing your interests, especially that Family Guy thingy and Atomic Kitten videos. Say no to piracy! Thank you for sharing your pre-release books, can’t wait for Book 3 and so forth. Good luck for those books. Thank you for your all kind of support throughout those days and hopefully more to come J

· Flo and Paul, thank you for your ongoing different kind of support. I should’ve hate you but turned out to miss you all. My days would be totally blue if I never knew you.

· Pak Tommy, thank you for watching and keeping me in your mind.

· Shendy Spears, Tia, Yocie, Ndha, Ono, Pade, Milke, Amel, My TLC (Santi and KS), Asty thank you for keeping our friendship up till now. Same casts, different scripts. Love you just the same and more.

· Iko… thank you for your unimportantness. Can’t say anything here, the rumors will spread!

· Wanda, thank you for the opportunity. Can’t wait to see you again.

· Nita, thank you for Vella, Vita and Tessa, thank you for expecting, Dyna, thank you for waiting. Love you, girls!

· Riswan, Mirna, Tonny, Mba An, and others in Reading Light, thank you for the OK supply and for welcoming me there.

· Rio, thank you for cheering me up, you cutie pie! Love you to bits, baby.

· The rest but by no means least, family and friends that cannot be mentioned one by one, from Jakarta to Bandung, from Asia to Europe, from UCVers to PSMers, from HIers to FISIPers to UNPARes to UIers, you know who you are, the people whom I met throughout the days of 2008, from drivers to cooks, passerby, from bad to good singers who sang all kinds of songs, awesome and suck actors, from HSM to Twilight, from Family Guy to Southpark, you and you and you and you and you, just everyone, I LOVE YOU!

Faith, Hope, Love

Faith makes all things possible

Hope makes all things work

Love makes all things beautiful.

Clums' BrainList 2008

Here comes my 2008 BRAINLIST, the songs that plays by itself in my brain automatically according to my mood:

1. Lily Allen – GWB (F*** You Very Much)
2. Dolly Parton – 9 To 5
3. Natasha Hamilton – Ms Emotional
4. Dolly Parton – Here You Come Again
5. Jo O’Meara – Relentless
6. Amy Pearson – Ready To Fly
7. Natasha Bedingfield – Cheer Me Up
8. Jo O’Meara – You Didn’t Know
9. Amy Pearson – Lost Without Your Love
10. Taylor Swift – Love Story
11. Kelly Clarkson – Haunted
12. Christina Aguilera – Keeps Getting Better
13. Jo O’Meara – What Hurts The Most
14. Natasha Bedingfield - Happy
15. Steps – I Know Him So Well
16. Natasha Hamilton – Gipsy
17. Kelly Clarkson – Thankful
18. Britney Spears – If You Seek Amy
19. Jordin Sparks – God Loves Ugly
20. Christina Aguilera – Mercy On Me

There’s a First for Everyone in Everything

I don’t exactly know why, but I’m in the mood for listing my firsts that I can remember so far. It’s more than I thought before… I mean more embarrassing to remember. Okay, here it goes:
1. My first crush will be Jonathan Knight from New Kids On The Block (NKOTB), I think it was when I was in Kindergarten or so. Too soon? You bet!
2. My first Kindergarten crush… OMG, NONE!!! Why do me students have crush on eachother? Kids nowadays. My first real life crush would be my senior, Baskaries Ebrata, I wonder how’s he right now 
3. My first English lesson, you might be right, it was NKOTB’s song lyrics, my cousin and my teenage neighbor (Ka Feni, where are you?) responsible for this ‘mess’ that later be my treasure. Love you guys. By the way, my cousin laughed like crazy when I show her the ‘new’ NKOTB. I still remember when Ka Feni asked me to translate their song, called, Tonight, since I didn’t know how to write yet, all I did was listening to the song, and from my hearing, they were saying “two night night”, so I translated them into “dua malam-malam.” It was a beautiful mistake up till now… 
4. This one should make you no longer wonder why I remain NKOTB fan right now, when they seem to be too old to be called boyband, they should call them grampsband or papaband or something, my first CD, alond with videos (LaserDisc actually) were NKOTB H.I.T.S. and Concert. The CD stays, the LaserDisc’s GONE!!!
5. My first school performance was when I was in Kindergarten. Along with Anita Layerna (Tata), Meicyana (Memei), Lia, we danced through Mary’s Boy Child on Christmas performance with our red suit and tutu… We were too lovely too handle… :p
6. My first public solo performance was at FrontRow, Senayan, my friend’s, Milke, birthday. I was singing Christina Aguilera’s I Turn To You, live band, plus, a flower from Andrew, sweet! PS. It was not a private party, so there were other audience.
7. First romance and break-up was in Bali (all details will remain private). That’s why I really need to go back there to complete this unfinished healing of the pain that remain still in my heart.
8. First choir competition was when I was in Kindergarten, singing in the orange uniform of ours.
9. First role-play writing and directing, bet you don’t believe it, but I did, amateur, for school play. That was for my 6th grade graduation party. I’m proud with it, it was a comedy and they laughed through it, at least they seemed to enjoy it, as long as I can recall. My friends were the glowing actors.
10. First standing-by-celeb picture would be Bondan Prakoso with his single Si Lumba-Lumba. It was at Panggung Maksima, Dufan. I used to think that he was cute.
11. First fall from the bike, when I was riding my 4 wheeled bike. It was already 4 wheeled, but why did I fall after all? Maybe that’s why my mom always say that I cannot ride any bike, including motorbike.
12. First concert, Westlife at BEngkel. My friend, Dora faked her sickness to be put in first. Kian was awesomely gorgeous, people and I was so awesomely thirsty, I didn’t care about the boys but awesomely care about the water that they were drinking. By the way, my first showcase was Caught In The Act. HA!
13. First unconditional love… would be you.

Another Wish Came True

Been wishing for clues for days now, and finally got it. At least that’s what I think. I was wishing for God to give me clues whether this man will be the one for me. After sign by sign, it’s getting more obvious that he might not be the one for me… Sad? Definitely, but, maybe, yet again, this is the best way, not just for me but for the both of us.

One thing, though, it seems very hard for me to just go away and pass this fact by. Why? Oddly, I might be in love already. How? I don’t know. I’m the kind of girl who’s easily fall in love with someone. He’s been so nice, even up till now.

Looking back, all those nice things and attention that he’s been given me seemed meant more to me. Well, I take the blame for this and maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he’s in love with someone else.

But, don’t worry. I’m getting there. I’m turning my positive thinking mode on. Besides, my wish has come true, even I get better result, we still communicate, nicely, and again, I couldn’t wish for more. At least, up till now…

I talked this through with my friends, and they surely gave strength to go on… J

I’m okay now.

That Stupid Bitch

Can't believe that you are actually that stupid? Why can't you think that stupid simple thing? Have a bit of initiative please... It won't hurt... I won't be here all the time, so... Come on learn to do things on your own...

Yet Obvious

I have found my prince charming
But I don’t think that my prince charming has found me just yet

I have found my most beautiful butterfly
But I don’t think the most beautiful butterfly has found me

I am this obvious
And I made it obvious that I’m not invisible

Do you need me to make it that obvious
That I might hurt someone else, even you?

Just this

Today I found out that doing something with no heart at all is the most painful thing to do, when you are forced to do it without knowing the benefit for you or others whom you love the most.

Everyone Sees Me

Everyone sees me in some ways

As they wanted to see me

Some see my fun side

Some see my stubborn side

Some see my crazy side

Some see my poor side

They can see me as whoever they want me to be

They can treat me any way they want it to be

But…

They cannot change me…

No matter how hard they try

I’ll stay the same

Until I realize and say that I need one…

Now you will say that I am selfish…

And you are very welcome to do so J

All Is Said and Done

The signs probably have been there for awhile now,
But I refused to see
I’ve been blinded by the sweet words
The kind that always make me down on my knees

And yet, I fall again
To the same place and time of blindfolding situation
Easily…
In a blink of an eye and a snap of mu clumsily fingers that touches the breezy air around my naked soul
Playing happy go lucky might have been easy
But nowadays, it gets harder to play the part of being silly

Learn to let go might be the hardest lesson in life
But these days, it’s definitely harder to really letting go

All is said and done
Wonder if I’m willing to do it all over again

One Regret Led To Another

If I had to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. You have turned my life away the way that you might not know how far.
You, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just way too perfect for me. You definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. Even now. Sometimes I think I might want you back in my life. But, I realize that it’s too late for that now. It might not be the best way anyway.
You, the one that I used to think as a brother of mine. I looked up to you, up till now, I listened to anything and everything that you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you wouldn’t. You were there when I need you the most. You listened, you calmed my down. You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.
You… We started with me who wasn’t myself. Stupid me who was hiding behind that silly mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay. Would we be together if I were not wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know eachother if I didn’t. So call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I am not proud of it. I’m glad I knew you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last. It’s a divine victory for me. I’m gladly relieved seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart.
This is better than I expected, although honestly, I still hope for more… I know I am blessed.

The easy that’s so uneasy

I am easy
I’m easily put my trust on people
And easily hurt afterwards
Yet uneasily to heal the hurt
I’m easily fall in love with someone
And easily hurt afterwards
Where it’s so uneasy to stop that particular someone

What Will I Got To Lose

What will I get to lose when I decide to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

They say love is not everything in this kind of world that we live in
But what will I get to lose when I decided to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

I don’t have anything right now but abundant of love to share with you
When you decide to love me and got nothing to lose
Since you don’t really have anything right now but abundant of love
To share with me…

Turtle Philosophy

A turtle can move anywhere

Sure it’s moving extremely slow

But it will be there

Sure there will be so many obstacles on the way

But it will be there

Why?

Because it has the shell that will protect it all the way

Morning

The morning breeze slips through a crack on my window

The birds whistle their sweetest song

The light of the sun gently embraces my skin

All completed with the simple loving smile from your lips

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another person that I love just passed away,around a month after my grandmother's.My niece,the one that I wrote before about.After struggling with her life,the best way seems to be for her to go to a better place...Well,I guess we just have to deal with it... :) it's time to let her go...at peace and be our angel that looks at us from above...I love you,Jess...