Clums' BrainList 2008

Here comes my 2008 BRAINLIST, the songs that plays by itself in my brain automatically according to my mood:

1. Lily Allen – GWB (F*** You Very Much)
2. Dolly Parton – 9 To 5
3. Natasha Hamilton – Ms Emotional
4. Dolly Parton – Here You Come Again
5. Jo O’Meara – Relentless
6. Amy Pearson – Ready To Fly
7. Natasha Bedingfield – Cheer Me Up
8. Jo O’Meara – You Didn’t Know
9. Amy Pearson – Lost Without Your Love
10. Taylor Swift – Love Story
11. Kelly Clarkson – Haunted
12. Christina Aguilera – Keeps Getting Better
13. Jo O’Meara – What Hurts The Most
14. Natasha Bedingfield - Happy
15. Steps – I Know Him So Well
16. Natasha Hamilton – Gipsy
17. Kelly Clarkson – Thankful
18. Britney Spears – If You Seek Amy
19. Jordin Sparks – God Loves Ugly
20. Christina Aguilera – Mercy On Me

There’s a First for Everyone in Everything

I don’t exactly know why, but I’m in the mood for listing my firsts that I can remember so far. It’s more than I thought before… I mean more embarrassing to remember. Okay, here it goes:
1. My first crush will be Jonathan Knight from New Kids On The Block (NKOTB), I think it was when I was in Kindergarten or so. Too soon? You bet!
2. My first Kindergarten crush… OMG, NONE!!! Why do me students have crush on eachother? Kids nowadays. My first real life crush would be my senior, Baskaries Ebrata, I wonder how’s he right now 
3. My first English lesson, you might be right, it was NKOTB’s song lyrics, my cousin and my teenage neighbor (Ka Feni, where are you?) responsible for this ‘mess’ that later be my treasure. Love you guys. By the way, my cousin laughed like crazy when I show her the ‘new’ NKOTB. I still remember when Ka Feni asked me to translate their song, called, Tonight, since I didn’t know how to write yet, all I did was listening to the song, and from my hearing, they were saying “two night night”, so I translated them into “dua malam-malam.” It was a beautiful mistake up till now… 
4. This one should make you no longer wonder why I remain NKOTB fan right now, when they seem to be too old to be called boyband, they should call them grampsband or papaband or something, my first CD, alond with videos (LaserDisc actually) were NKOTB H.I.T.S. and Concert. The CD stays, the LaserDisc’s GONE!!!
5. My first school performance was when I was in Kindergarten. Along with Anita Layerna (Tata), Meicyana (Memei), Lia, we danced through Mary’s Boy Child on Christmas performance with our red suit and tutu… We were too lovely too handle… :p
6. My first public solo performance was at FrontRow, Senayan, my friend’s, Milke, birthday. I was singing Christina Aguilera’s I Turn To You, live band, plus, a flower from Andrew, sweet! PS. It was not a private party, so there were other audience.
7. First romance and break-up was in Bali (all details will remain private). That’s why I really need to go back there to complete this unfinished healing of the pain that remain still in my heart.
8. First choir competition was when I was in Kindergarten, singing in the orange uniform of ours.
9. First role-play writing and directing, bet you don’t believe it, but I did, amateur, for school play. That was for my 6th grade graduation party. I’m proud with it, it was a comedy and they laughed through it, at least they seemed to enjoy it, as long as I can recall. My friends were the glowing actors.
10. First standing-by-celeb picture would be Bondan Prakoso with his single Si Lumba-Lumba. It was at Panggung Maksima, Dufan. I used to think that he was cute.
11. First fall from the bike, when I was riding my 4 wheeled bike. It was already 4 wheeled, but why did I fall after all? Maybe that’s why my mom always say that I cannot ride any bike, including motorbike.
12. First concert, Westlife at BEngkel. My friend, Dora faked her sickness to be put in first. Kian was awesomely gorgeous, people and I was so awesomely thirsty, I didn’t care about the boys but awesomely care about the water that they were drinking. By the way, my first showcase was Caught In The Act. HA!
13. First unconditional love… would be you.

Another Wish Came True

Been wishing for clues for days now, and finally got it. At least that’s what I think. I was wishing for God to give me clues whether this man will be the one for me. After sign by sign, it’s getting more obvious that he might not be the one for me… Sad? Definitely, but, maybe, yet again, this is the best way, not just for me but for the both of us.

One thing, though, it seems very hard for me to just go away and pass this fact by. Why? Oddly, I might be in love already. How? I don’t know. I’m the kind of girl who’s easily fall in love with someone. He’s been so nice, even up till now.

Looking back, all those nice things and attention that he’s been given me seemed meant more to me. Well, I take the blame for this and maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he’s in love with someone else.

But, don’t worry. I’m getting there. I’m turning my positive thinking mode on. Besides, my wish has come true, even I get better result, we still communicate, nicely, and again, I couldn’t wish for more. At least, up till now…

I talked this through with my friends, and they surely gave strength to go on… J

I’m okay now.

That Stupid Bitch

Can't believe that you are actually that stupid? Why can't you think that stupid simple thing? Have a bit of initiative please... It won't hurt... I won't be here all the time, so... Come on learn to do things on your own...

Yet Obvious

I have found my prince charming
But I don’t think that my prince charming has found me just yet

I have found my most beautiful butterfly
But I don’t think the most beautiful butterfly has found me

I am this obvious
And I made it obvious that I’m not invisible

Do you need me to make it that obvious
That I might hurt someone else, even you?

Just this

Today I found out that doing something with no heart at all is the most painful thing to do, when you are forced to do it without knowing the benefit for you or others whom you love the most.

Everyone Sees Me

Everyone sees me in some ways

As they wanted to see me

Some see my fun side

Some see my stubborn side

Some see my crazy side

Some see my poor side

They can see me as whoever they want me to be

They can treat me any way they want it to be

But…

They cannot change me…

No matter how hard they try

I’ll stay the same

Until I realize and say that I need one…

Now you will say that I am selfish…

And you are very welcome to do so J

All Is Said and Done

The signs probably have been there for awhile now,
But I refused to see
I’ve been blinded by the sweet words
The kind that always make me down on my knees

And yet, I fall again
To the same place and time of blindfolding situation
Easily…
In a blink of an eye and a snap of mu clumsily fingers that touches the breezy air around my naked soul
Playing happy go lucky might have been easy
But nowadays, it gets harder to play the part of being silly

Learn to let go might be the hardest lesson in life
But these days, it’s definitely harder to really letting go

All is said and done
Wonder if I’m willing to do it all over again

One Regret Led To Another

If I had to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. You have turned my life away the way that you might not know how far.
You, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just way too perfect for me. You definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. Even now. Sometimes I think I might want you back in my life. But, I realize that it’s too late for that now. It might not be the best way anyway.
You, the one that I used to think as a brother of mine. I looked up to you, up till now, I listened to anything and everything that you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you wouldn’t. You were there when I need you the most. You listened, you calmed my down. You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.
You… We started with me who wasn’t myself. Stupid me who was hiding behind that silly mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay. Would we be together if I were not wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know eachother if I didn’t. So call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I am not proud of it. I’m glad I knew you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last. It’s a divine victory for me. I’m gladly relieved seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart.
This is better than I expected, although honestly, I still hope for more… I know I am blessed.

The easy that’s so uneasy

I am easy
I’m easily put my trust on people
And easily hurt afterwards
Yet uneasily to heal the hurt
I’m easily fall in love with someone
And easily hurt afterwards
Where it’s so uneasy to stop that particular someone

What Will I Got To Lose

What will I get to lose when I decide to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

They say love is not everything in this kind of world that we live in
But what will I get to lose when I decided to love you?
When I don’t really have anything right now

I don’t have anything right now but abundant of love to share with you
When you decide to love me and got nothing to lose
Since you don’t really have anything right now but abundant of love
To share with me…

Turtle Philosophy

A turtle can move anywhere

Sure it’s moving extremely slow

But it will be there

Sure there will be so many obstacles on the way

But it will be there

Why?

Because it has the shell that will protect it all the way

Morning

The morning breeze slips through a crack on my window

The birds whistle their sweetest song

The light of the sun gently embraces my skin

All completed with the simple loving smile from your lips

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another person that I love just passed away,around a month after my grandmother's.My niece,the one that I wrote before about.After struggling with her life,the best way seems to be for her to go to a better place...Well,I guess we just have to deal with it... :) it's time to let her go...at peace and be our angel that looks at us from above...I love you,Jess...

I think I Know Why My Heart Kept on Pounding Yesterday

It was you and the news that I got today and it's all about you... I guess I kept my hopes too high... and there it was, a lightning, strike, right through my fragile heart... Will I be fine? I don't know. My heart still pounds sometimes, skips a beat when there was something about you that cross my life... I will... eventually... as always... :)

All in A Day Pt. 5 - Tell Me If It Was You

There was this guy on my grandmother’s funeral, he’s not cute, he’s not that tall, or not tall at all. Shortly, he wasn’t really the man of my dream or anything. He’s just a man. A man, who, unpredictably, stole my attention or stole my heart to be precise. Well, I don’t know and I’m not sure, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Think about him and me building a happy family. He as my husband and all that which can fulfill my thoughts of a family, I wrote earlier. Isn’t that crazy? I’m smitten.

I really hope to see him again, someday, soon. If it’s meant to be then I’m willing to wait for it to happen.

Oh, by the way, is the way you feel when you find “the one” as in when you know, you know?

All in A Day Pt. 4 - Dedicated to Life

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Dedicated to Life

Dear life,

Should it be this hard to accept someone for the way they are?

Should it be this hard to start something new, something better?

Should it be this hard to smile when you’re in a great big anger?

Should it be this hard to say whatever the way it is without hurting anyone?

Should it be this hard to move on and forget the damage that has done?

Should it be this hard to reach perfection?

Should it be this hard to love and to be loved?

All in A Day Pt. 3 - Things that's On My Mind Today Pt. 2

If I have to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. I never met the two of you, but you both have turned my life away the way that you two might not know.

And you, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just too perfect for me, you definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. What about now? Still, I don’t know. I need someone, yes, I am, but not desperate. Sometimes I think that I might want you back in my life, but… I don’t know if it was the best way or not and my heart keeps saying it’s not. You’d better off without me  I know…

And you… the one that I used to think a brother of mine. I look up to you, up till now, I listen to you, to anything and everything you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you won’t. you were there when I needed you the most. You listened, you calmed me down… You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.

You… we started with me who wasn’t myself, stupid me who was hiding behind that stupid mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay.

Would we be together if I weren’t wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know each other if I didn’t.

So, call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I’m not proud it. I’m glad I know you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a furious hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last which was the bravest thing I’ve done, I’m gladly relieve seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart, this is better than I expected, although, honestly I still hope for more…

I know I am blessed.

All in A Day Pt. 2 - Can't Believe He Text Me

I still recall what happened last Friday. He text me and asked for my picture. It sure was to update his phonebook, but, I don’t know, I’m just glad he did ask mine. At least, he thought of me once in awhile, although it was a random phonebook, and that’s enough for me, that came from someone out of reach for me.

And deep down, I still want him, and I think I still have at least a little pure love for him that’s ready to be grown as an eternal flower of love.

His image and personality, as far as I know, is completing the image and personality of the man in my dream.

Now, is he too perfect? Do I still believe in my dream? Well, I might and I might not, but I do believe that everything happens for the best reason.

I wish I knew what will happen… 

All in A Day Pt. 1 - Things that's On My Mind Today

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Things that’s on My mind Today

I want to have someone who’s got the same religion/belief as mine. So, I can be married to him, have children and go to church together after we have a simple sweet ceremony in church that I always go (if I was in Jakarta) since (maybe) I was born. My (or his) favorite priest will bless us. Our best dearest friends will be there, of course our family too.

I’ll cry, and maybe he’ll do too. We’re gonna sing, if he knows the songs, the songs that the choir will sing (PS. The choir should be those who we’ve known). We’re gonna have our first dance bare feet in a garden with our favorite song(s).

He’ll take care of me while I’m pregnant and our children after they born…

Our children will be active in church, being a servant during services, just the way I’ve never been.

We’ll teach our children about something that we did wrong in the past so they won’t make the same mistakes again. But when they do, we will not say “we told you,” but “be proud of your mistakes, mean that you just got some great life lesson, learn and live it. It’s fun!” and give them the greatest loving hugs and kisses everyday.

We’ll live happily together and we’ll take imperfect happily ever after as our greatest achievement for our love, together. Till death do us apart…

Will he be you?