There was this guy on my grandmother’s funeral, he’s not cute, he’s not that tall, or not tall at all. Shortly, he wasn’t really the man of my dream or anything. He’s just a man. A man, who, unpredictably, stole my attention or stole my heart to be precise. Well, I don’t know and I’m not sure, but I can’t stop thinking about him.
Think about him and me building a happy family. He as my husband and all that which can fulfill my thoughts of a family, I wrote earlier. Isn’t that crazy? I’m smitten.
I really hope to see him again, someday, soon. If it’s meant to be then I’m willing to wait for it to happen.
Oh, by the way, is the way you feel when you find “the one” as in when you know, you know?
Friday, May 2nd, 2008 – Dedicated to Life Dear life,
Should it be this hard to accept someone for the way they are?
Should it be this hard to start something new, something better?
Should it be this hard to smile when you’re in a great big anger?
Should it be this hard to say whatever the way it is without hurting anyone?
Should it be this hard to move on and forget the damage that has done?
Should it be this hard to reach perfection?
Should it be this hard to love and to be loved?
If I have to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. I never met the two of you, but you both have turned my life away the way that you two might not know.
And you, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just too perfect for me, you definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. What about now? Still, I don’t know. I need someone, yes, I am, but not desperate. Sometimes I think that I might want you back in my life, but… I don’t know if it was the best way or not and my heart keeps saying it’s not. You’d better off without me I know…
And you… the one that I used to think a brother of mine. I look up to you, up till now, I listen to you, to anything and everything you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you won’t. you were there when I needed you the most. You listened, you calmed me down… You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.
You… we started with me who wasn’t myself, stupid me who was hiding behind that stupid mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay.
Would we be together if I weren’t wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know each other if I didn’t.
So, call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I’m not proud it. I’m glad I know you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a furious hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last which was the bravest thing I’ve done, I’m gladly relieve seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart, this is better than I expected, although, honestly I still hope for more…
I know I am blessed.
I still recall what happened last Friday. He text me and asked for my picture. It sure was to update his phonebook, but, I don’t know, I’m just glad he did ask mine. At least, he thought of me once in awhile, although it was a random phonebook, and that’s enough for me, that came from someone out of reach for me.
And deep down, I still want him, and I think I still have at least a little pure love for him that’s ready to be grown as an eternal flower of love.
His image and personality, as far as I know, is completing the image and personality of the man in my dream.
Now, is he too perfect? Do I still believe in my dream? Well, I might and I might not, but I do believe that everything happens for the best reason.
I wish I knew what will happen…
I want to have someone who’s got the same religion/belief as mine. So, I can be married to him, have children and go to church together after we have a simple sweet ceremony in church that I always go (if I was in Jakarta) since (maybe) I was born. My (or his) favorite priest will bless us. Our best dearest friends will be there, of course our family too.
I’ll cry, and maybe he’ll do too. We’re gonna sing, if he knows the songs, the songs that the choir will sing (PS. The choir should be those who we’ve known). We’re gonna have our first dance bare feet in a garden with our favorite song(s).
He’ll take care of me while I’m pregnant and our children after they born…
Our children will be active in church, being a servant during services, just the way I’ve never been.
We’ll teach our children about something that we did wrong in the past so they won’t make the same mistakes again. But when they do, we will not say “we told you,” but “be proud of your mistakes, mean that you just got some great life lesson, learn and live it. It’s fun!” and give them the greatest loving hugs and kisses everyday.
We’ll live happily together and we’ll take imperfect happily ever after as our greatest achievement for our love, together. Till death do us apart…
Will he be you?
