2010 Flashback

At the beginning of 2010, I claimed that this 2010 would be my year. But, has it?

The end of this year is coming and here I am. Reflecting back on what my goals are in this year. Didn't set too many goals since I was too afraid that I couldn't accomplish most of them.

- I struggled in escaping a hell hole.

It has been awhile I want to move from my old work place and go to the place I always wanted. The fight had been started last year to be won recently, that's why I call it struggle.

Too many reasons that made me want to just get out of that place, both personal and professional reasons.

And now, I got accepted to where I wanted and enjoy all the bittersweet moments I've been having. So many new experiences I had, the sweet ones, amazing ones, exciting ones, disappointing ones and shocking ones. All worth-waited experiences.

- Training time

Meet the "7 Lebay Ladies!!!" Nothing could be crazier than meeting up these 6 lebay ladies (7 with me) in the training. At first, as thought before, all just shied away. But it didn't take that long before each and everyone of us showed our so-called "lebayness." Ms. Kopaja who has unusually romantic husband, Ms. Bunga who constantly got bored and known for her symmetric flowers , the original Ms. Lebay with her authentic "aha!", Ms. Pais who was giving a constant diplomatic gray answers, a real experienced Ms. Teacher with her energetic aura, and last but not least, the bouncy one, Ms. Who-never-quite-there with the most mobility. It was a long fun exciting 2 months!!! Thanks to the trainers as well for bearing with us :)

- I was hoping to be in a band

But all I got (yet) is being in a (old) choir and (always) MC for events. Hmmm... It's way harder than I thought to find a band here. But, I think choir will do. It's a singing thing too. Next, MC... Well, won't put any further comment on this. Not really my thing, but the offer kept on coming...

- I still dream about spending my time in Bali, alone

This one still cannot be accomplished :( What made it so? The answer would be Kelly Clarkson!!! It was actually a blast. I enjoyed it very much. Went out to the concert with one of my best friends (and his ex), another friend and sang along to her song together with the rest of the audience. Plus, made some new friends. Not bad, right?

Didn't really regret the decision to go for the concert but it's just making a must-go-place a li'l longer.

- I got my Blackberry

Finally. I used to think that I don't need it that much, and actually I still do, but, it has more fun and I can write anytime I want :) Have to admit that it helps, eventually. Plus, most of people at my workplace use it. It makes the communication a bit easier. It has negative and positive side at the same time, just like everything.

By the way, did I put Crocs on the list??? :p

- Only one thing I have not accomplished :(

***

So many unpredictable things happened as well. Good and bad, happy and sad, prepared and unprepared, all came and gone.

- Meeting old friends

After around 14 years and meet up again. Kinda funny. Although I met them before (after that freaking 14 years) but I was still excited, despite the lunch fee and ended up not eating anything.

How fast we've grown and how swiftly time passed, those the things that were on my mind. But, memories stay. We still remember bits about our time in Elementary and laughed over them.

Some become good friends (again and meet the Pretty Little "Liars," everyone :p), some go to seeperate ways. Yes, it's amazing looking at how time can change everything. We form a different kind of personalities as we grow, we develop things that unseen, we explore the untouched area that we never thought we had. But certain things remain the same, sadly :(

- Bandung trip

That made no trip at all in the end, not even to 1 place that originally planned to be the very first place to be visited. It was because one person who constantly sleeping. It was still fun, though, hanging out, unprecedented and unanticipated jokes, playing cards, watching world cup in the car, the guys talked in riddles (as always), bla bla bla... Been called "Mama" by Andrew was as exciting as he saw every bus that passed by. But, he called me "Tante" already the last time we met. *sigh

It was the same day as my last day in Bandung, so it was quite emotional a bit. Tears were falling. Leaving the town where I have not a few of loved ones.

- Graduation Day

The time where the older children have to move to elementary was never been easy. It was even harder this year. As the kids were crying, the teachers drowned to their best emotions. Tears were everywhere but one cold-hearted person (that I don't think is necessary to be mentioned here.) Each child made the teachers proud and missing every little moments that's been had and experienced together. From the "keong-senel-snail-sifut-nanaonan" and "waterfall-germs" moments to "I love you, Miss Yiska."

It was the hardest part as I and some of my friends were parting as well. Lovely, isn't it??? *ironically correct :)

- My Mom's accident

She got burned, like, literally. That was one of the most unprepared situation that I've ever been. Totally shocked when I first found out. Scared and confused about what to do. But, with Lord blessing, I've managed :) And, by Christmas, she was way better than I expected. Thank You, Lord.

- People come and go

And this time, one went to the country that's been hated by most of the people in my country. Well, at least we had a short trip back to Bandung and met again with shoes in his hands :p

And, another one was my best friend who passed away. Still feel the loss up until now, cry everytime I think of her, miss her a lot :(

Can't believe that it will affect me this much. I cried when I first found out that she got the accident, in a coma, wouldn't be healed and other things. Tears flowed like a river. A non-stop crying.

Lucky, I got my girls, friends, and a (n.s, h.t.b.m.t.j --> by the time it was edited, I forgot what the letters stand for, sorry :p) best friend who stood beside me.

***

Things happened, things passed, all is done, all is well. Some relationships built but ended up need to be rebuild. Heart's got broken, mend, broke again. Things said and sealed, released and kept well hidden. No regret necessary. What's left is only the will to do things better in the coming year...

Happy New Year everyone. Sure, I'm very thankful of what I got this year and still believe for great things to come next year as Lord will always give His blessing toward us :)

Just Enough

Twas like got hit by thunder. The feeling was unbelievable. Anguish, scared, disappointment all mixed up into one, uncontrollably. Getting away was the easiest way out but failed to reach the end of it. All mad thoughts were rushing, attacking this mind with a lot of deadly ammunition called "what ifs."

It lasted longer than I thought it would. One seemed to be a never-ending torture. In pain was for sure. Holding on tightly to a thin branch that would be soon gone with the wind as it flew swiftly into thin air, careless towards the surrounding. Landed on a softer ground, but too stiff to hold it off. No more thing to grasp. Unreliable. None of any do.

So, I fell. Harder than I thought I would. No cushion prepared to smoother my landing. Hurt. I thought I was gonna cry out loud. I tried to scream and cry out loud. But no. Sure, my heart was beating way faster but I was finer than I thought I was. My tears didn't flood out.

I forgot one thing. I always ask Lord above to brave my soul. I think He just did and took care everything. He gave me just enough courage to get through this situation. It'll still be a long journey toward this thing, but I believe he wouldn't stop at all to give just enough things I need to be a fully loaded weapon I can use to fight in this life. Nothing's better than a just enough of everything.

With just enough, I'll get by :)

A Little Prayer In The End

As much as I want this thing to work, I realize that there are just too many hurdles along the way that I have to pass. Too many walls to climb, too many muddy rivers to cross, and too many traps to avoid and jump. I don't even know if I would make it there alive at all.

I want to believe that things will work out fine and I'll get what I've always dreamed of, but the signs shown were not that good. Yes, so many positive signs seen, but there's one tiny little thing that might ruin everything.

Differences. It is something that's never been a problem for me that probably will become the minor negative factor that will create a major conflict that will ruin every little piece of positive signs that have been generated along the way.

I have my doubts now and there's no use to hide it. Being a positive person can't help me make it, at least for now. I'm done believing that it will happen the way I always wanted, but will never stop believing that everything will work out for the best on His own way.

So Lord, please give me the courage to face every decision You make that might make me feel unhappy and desperate. Please brave myself for I might not have what I've always wanted. For Your ways are always the best for us. Please open our eyes, heart and mind to see each hidden and obvious kindness and blessings that You bring to our daily lives.

Upset?

By: Ali Wardhana

Berjalan melintasi ruang dan waktu

Tanpa bersemayam dalam kenyataan

Esensi dari kegelisahan jiwa yang tak pernah tercerrmin

Disanalah kau menari bersama detik yg mengiringi langkahku

Fragmantasi kilasan-kilasan yang terserak

Adalah bagian demi bagian yang kau miliki

Untuk membangun apa yg ada di dirimu saat ini

Dan apabila fabel ini ada tertulis

Apakah itu nyata seperti angin semilir yg terasa di kulitku

Kata-kata yang tercipta

Adalah ungkapan dari gerakan yang ada di balik hati

Namun terlalu terbatas untuk bisa menggariskan apa yang ada

Saat mataku menatap batas dari langit dan bumi

Terkadang cukup tertera setitik adalah mencukupi.

Gejolak yang kau rasakan…

Milikmu seorang…

Dan aku disini hanya bisa menyaksikan..

Dan berkata perlahan,

“Biarkan itu mengalir dan menghkantarkanmu ke suatu titik

Yang ada dalam lingkaran kalbu dan berderit layaknya hari yang terus berjalan”

True Pain Comes From A Hidden Betrayal

Didn't realize that it's going to be hurt like this

Sense of betrayal that kept hidden in a shade of a rotten list

Ignoring each sign of the doom of once a perfect man

Drowned in a dream that the man once lend

Broken and destroyed before it's begun to blossom

Moved and forgotten before it even appear

Walk one step ahead and move twice backward

Held hostage of blinded hope and wishful thinking

Trapped by words that framed the mind from the reality

False thought and invisible fantasy

Tied by some non-sense philosophy

Outburst Emotion

It's surprising knowing how much that shiz upsetting me. That never made me this upset until my heart hurt and left me crying.

It's getting clearer that I have to outlist another person in my life. I've been holding back not to do such thing, but this time, it's getting out of hand.

I might not think clearly though, because I've been too upset. Still don't know, and don't want to know, whether he involved in this shiz or not. Well, basically he is, but I need to know how far...

It is disappointing...

Memories Pt. 1

While talking about "Ksatria Baja Hitam," one of my childhood favorite series, my mind straightly flew to my Dad.

I remember how I rushed him in bed to wake up and get ready to watch the series together. Well, nothing special prepared, just us and the TV. Sometimes, he reluctantly wake up and catch up just right after the series started.

We both had the same favorite, not the hero, but the villain, we both liked Gorgom. He used to 'frightened' me by being one. :)

How time flies...

Dying Soul

Reflect Up

Don't try to say to me that it's all my fault

Take a look at yourself first because you're the core of it

Don't try to point your finger at me

Point it to your face because you're the one who flamed the fuse

Don't try to give me your nastiest look

Get a mirror and do yourself a reflection because you're the one who deserves that thoughtless look

Awesomely Mean

Crash into something that is hard enough to destroy your brain would not be enough to destroy you awful soul

The soul that could banish each and every little harmless spirit and make them disappear forever

Out of sight it goes and unreachable for every barest soul to touch

Nothing to hold and nothing to lean on

No sincere smile to enjoy and hope are lost before it even creates

Vanishing with all the dust that goes along way

Wind never be that breezy no more

Poisoned by your evilly selfish being that no longer a human

You're even twice worse than a king of satan that you once beat

You got him on his knees begging to be forgiven

Yes, you are that awesome, you are that mean

You are awesomely mean...

Conversation Between My Conscience and Myself

Myself (M): Damn! I think this shiz has got the best of me.

Conscience(C): Well, why do you think so?

M: Maybe because it seems like I'm not myself these days.

C: Nope, I think you are yourself everyday.

M: No, I'm not.

C: Hey, I'm your conscience. I know you better than anyone else, even yourself.

M: How so? I know myself better than anyone else and God knows best.

C: Yes, but I am your conscience. I am yourself and your mind. I am you, inside out.

M: Really? So? You must be thinking I’m not myself lately as well, right? That shiz really got the ebst of me.

C: Actually, on the contrary. I don’t think that way at all.

M: What? How come?

C: Because, that one that you see, the person you feel, the one that you feel that you’re trapped into is none other than yourself. It’s you.

M: Oh, no no no no no no no! It’s not! No way in hell that this is myself.

C: It is you, dear. It’s the other side of you that you kept so well hidden until you forgot that it’s even exist. You deny that side of yours because you choose not to know it. It’s you. It’s part of you.

M: It can’t be.

C: The more you deny it, the harder it is for you to move on in your life. You will eventually find yourself drown in sadness, grieve, regret and other negative feelings that’s created by you!

M: Me? I never create negative feelings. Who wants to anyway?

C: You're right, no one wants to. But, like it or not, realize it or not, it's you who creates every feeling you are feeling throughout your life. So, your feeling is up to you. It's your choice.

M: Really? Are you sure?

C: Yes, for sure. Befriend with every little part and side of you and you shall be fine. Got to know them and easier you'll get by.

M: Will it be easy to do it?

C: Yes, but it takes a long time to make it perfect, but you need not to worry, you're on your way.

Promises

Promises that framed with fresh flowers from the garden,
Blossom in every step of your way
To the land of expectation lighten by that brightest ray

Promises that goes with a sweet-sounded melody
Sang by the bird in lined on the canopy
Sway you into an island of make believe

Promises that blinded you with its beauty
Chained you with the prettiest smile
Devilish hidden well that no one even care to find out
Until it arises as uncontrollable anguish in whereabouts

Promises that bound you as a hopeful person
Words that grant you a shoulder to lean on
Disappear in time just like smoke that washes away by every tear you cry.

Bailing Me Off

It's relieving having someone that you trust, someone that you can count, someone that you can rely on, someone that always be there in times of need. But, when that someone is bailing on you, it's going to be something that is really, really, really disappointing.
You just have no idea what to do. Should you be sad because of the disappointment or just simply mad out of it. It's even worse when they lie for not bailing on you, while everything is obvious and lead you that way.
You no longer have someone that you trust, someone that you can count, someone that you can rely on, someone that always be there in times of need. Disappointing, isn't it?
Neither sad or mad are useful no more when everything has been done. There's no other way but moving forward for the way to retreat and moving back has been damaged by the severe betrayal from an angel.

In Him I Surrender

As I'm here on my knees

Praying my hardest

Hope it will change a bit of a thing

I'm prepared of the falling tears

I'm ready for another disappointment

I'm just waiting for any answer

And when it all happen

All at the same time

Here on my knees I wish

For Lord to bring my finest defense

To finally move on

Although I'm bruised and battered

For in Him I believe

In Him I surrender

My life

My all

I Refuse

I walked down this winding and bumpy road thousand of times

Stumbled into the same stone

Tripped over the same rock

Slipped into the same puddle of mud

All over again and again and more

So many choices of roads I could pick

All laid down in front of my bare eyes

But then again, this road I chose

Knowing every little part of things from the consequences

I know them very well and they know me better

I know how they will treat me

Nice at times and mean as often

They know how to pick me up and throw me down hard when I reach the top

I'm aware of it

But I refuse to turn around and walk on another path of life

Because, I still believe that this road will eventually leads me

To that pot of gold that I spent my lifetime searching

Afraid I may not

Since the light still shine me down

Even through the darkest path that no one might pass

Vanish at Every Softer Touch

Keep thinking about what should be done upon us

When every little road leads to you

But the road seems to have no end at all

It winds and it bends all over

Keep thinking about what to do with no fuss

When all is said and done points the way to you

But the way seems to be blurry with invisible wall

It appears and gone not a healer

Decisions were thought every step of the way

Afraid of one thing goes wrong will ruin all the offer

Never been too careful to meet the end

Of reaching out an everlasting happy ending

Not a happily ever after moments

Never been this careful, it hurts

Too scared to lose what's already in the palm of this fragile hand

Something that's ready to grasp but might slip away even sooner

A precious pearl to be seen that's ready to vanish at every softer touch

It's His Decision in the End

Heard the news in the middle of the day, about one of your loved ones, your best friend, laid in her deathbed, with only a very little hope, if you don't want to say no hope at all, was one of the most shocking news that can make your world stops in an instant. You stop while the world keeps on turning. Don't know really what to do but spreading the news to others and hope they send their prayers along with yours.
A friend who sings along together to any songs that you have ever heard. A friend who dares to admit that you're a friend when you did something crazy. A friend that stands by you throughout your day, wherever you are and in anything you do. A friend who always says that you did good in a thing that you're worst at. A friend who pats you on your back when you're down. A friend who wipes your tears and your frown.
Nothing to do and cannot do nothing. Both kind of annoying. Fingers crossed. Hope only for the best.
Leave it all to You, dear Lord. You're the one who knows what's best for each and everyone of us.

Loves The Crescent Moon On The Sky Tonight

If you really mean what you say of doing something good for me, then be it. But is that something good for me will always turn out to be hurting my feelings? If so, please, just stop. You don't actually need to do me any good. Just stop. Because at some point, I just can't handle it no more.

You said you care but you don't actually care at all about what I actually feel inside. I said it, but you always take it to the wrong direction and got me misunderstood. You just don't want to spare a little tiny time to think about what I said, about my feelings. Blinded by the rage that you got of someone else and you take it all out on me. You don't want to ever bother to give a time to hear my explanation. Not a bit.

I'm not that stupid little girl no more that can be bought by sweet words or any manipulative steps you're making. I have feeling that grows stronger and thoughts that become smarter. I think and I feel. I hurt and I heal. As time goes by, it will mend all the scar, but never know if they will recover when you keep on rip it open and leave it bleeds.

Oh, forget it, you never know that I have it anyway.

Please keep an eye open when you're too angry and can't seem to see anything clearly in order for you to give your best shot to the right target, not miss it for another and end up hurting innocent people. :)

10/10/10 - My Version

Okay, so here are some of the weird things that happen today. Why I said weird? Because apparently most people were acting weird today.

Some of them were turning mad, drown by their not so reasonable reasons. Possessed by inner evils that has been kept so well hidden. Burst into an inevitable rage that's unstoppable. Hurt some innocent people for just giving a small comment but got mistaken by the intensively wrong moment. Cannot do nothing right. Everything is just wrong. All wrong. And it goes on and on and on and on. Don't really know when it ends.

Some were just rambling for something that they thought they know they feel when they know nothing at all. Trying to find each hidden meaning of their lives, find any hidden ways that should been taken, but never found. Not a single clue and leave them in a confusing area and they got nowhere to go. They let themselves float around the questions that have been hanging around on their minds. Unanswered. They eventually will let themselves drown in an unnecessary emotion.

Well, and some just go on like any other day. With smile on their faces, tears running down their eyes and traffic cursing flowing through their mouths.

Etiket 10/10/10 - Ali Wardhana

Segala keresahan bersemayam untk apa????

Kesiaan tanpa bentuk

Menjalar keseluruh syaraf

Seperti racun yang membawa jiwa

Tenggelam dalam laut hitam pekat

Dan membuatku tak bisa bernafas???

Dan kau ...

Tak akan pernah mengerti

Karena ceritaku adalah cerita yg tercerna

Hanya untuk orang yang berada di balik bayang-bayang

Keresahan kawan dr seribu malam;

Kau kembali hadir tanpa bisa ditawar

Responsibility

Area Unknown

I sense your doubt

I sense your worry

“I don’t know” seems to be coming handy

To get out from the trap

That’s been set from one mishap

You say those so-called magic words

And gone away the curiosity

Ghastly got into the curb

And back for some insanity

“I don’t know” seems to be the only answer

But that’s not what I seek to be better

I want some precision

Not just something from the area unknown

To My Little Ones

I’ll send you one brightest star

Please have and put it above and not too far

For it will shine you through each way

From darkness to the light you will sway

I’ll send you one greatest smile

Please cherish and put it in your heart

For it will brighten you up when you’re down

Think of me once will turn your frown

One day,

I hope you’ll be your own star

Stretch the distance and reach as far

Light your own way through each path of smaller bar

With your own self made treasure

Constant Regret

Everytime you come back and step into my life

You’re ripping my heart

Burn it until it takes time to heal

I guess I can’t really quite over you just yet

Someone that I thought too precious to hold my love

Someone that’s been nothing but a patient angel

That lights each way of my life

I still regret the day that I walked by on you

I still hate myself for not cherishing your unconditional love

One Once Said Pt. 5 - SweetestSin_ox edition

"The saddest thing is to look in someone's eyes & realize they'll never love you the way they did."

"Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It does not kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head on car wreck, it should. When someone you've promised to cherish forever says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You should not have to sit there day after day after that just wondering how in the world that you didn't figure it out sooner than this."

"Sometimes you’ll find yourself smiling while missing someone at the same time. And if you really need him, fate won't let you lose him. Fate will bring him back. It may not be soon, but he'll come back."

Source: http://sweetestsin-ox.xanga.com/692569910/cause-every-second-that-goes-by-i-feel-is-just-a-waste-of-time-if-im-not-with-you/

Time Looking

Pain

Blossoming Smile

You make me melt

Everytime you look at me with that look

Your smile shines through your eyes

And it makes me shiver

Your laughter blossoms through your smile

And makes me wonder

How do you do that all at the same time?

Thrills me mad

Can’t really hold my ground when you are around

Can’t keep my eyes off of you

I surrender

In your arms I shall belong

Naluri

Ketika hati diketuk

Insan berlari

Jauh

Sehingga tak tahu kemana pergi

Insan tak peduli

Tak berpikir dengan nurani

Hanya naluri

Yang tertanam di sini

Mata tertutup

Dan enggan berjalan lurus

Tak terlihat lagi harapan

Tak ada lagi asa

Semua hilang terkikis hujan

Lenyap terbawa hembusan angin

Tenggelam ke dalam samudra terdalam nan gelap

Dan tiada kehidupan

Lekang waktu terhenti

Langkah kaki terhimpit

Goresan luka terpatri

Batas sandar terlewati