Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 Flashback

At the beginning of 2010, I claimed that this 2010 would be my year. But, has it?
The end of this year is coming and here I am. Reflecting back on what my goals are in this year. Didn't set too many goals since I was too afraid that I couldn't accomplish most of them.
- I struggled in escaping a hell hole.
It has been awhile I want to move from my old work place and go to the place I always wanted. The fight had been started last year to be won recently, that's why I call it struggle.
Too many reasons that made me want to just get out of that place, both personal and professional reasons.
And now, I got accepted to where I wanted and enjoy all the bittersweet moments I've been having. So many new experiences I had, the sweet ones, amazing ones, exciting ones, disappointing ones and shocking ones. All worth-waited experiences.
- Training time
Meet the "7 Lebay Ladies!!!" Nothing could be crazier than meeting up these 6 lebay ladies (7 with me) in the training. At first, as thought before, all just shied away. But it didn't take that long before each and everyone of us showed our so-called "lebayness." Ms. Kopaja who has unusually romantic husband, Ms. Bunga who constantly got bored and known for her symmetric flowers , the original Ms. Lebay with her authentic "aha!", Ms. Pais who was giving a constant diplomatic gray answers, a real experienced Ms. Teacher with her energetic aura, and last but not least, the bouncy one, Ms. Who-never-quite-there with the most mobility. It was a long fun exciting 2 months!!! Thanks to the trainers as well for bearing with us :)
- I was hoping to be in a band
But all I got (yet) is being in a (old) choir and (always) MC for events. Hmmm... It's way harder than I thought to find a band here. But, I think choir will do. It's a singing thing too. Next, MC... Well, won't put any further comment on this. Not really my thing, but the offer kept on coming...
- I still dream about spending my time in Bali, alone
This one still cannot be accomplished :( What made it so? The answer would be Kelly Clarkson!!! It was actually a blast. I enjoyed it very much. Went out to the concert with one of my best friends (and his ex), another friend and sang along to her song together with the rest of the audience. Plus, made some new friends. Not bad, right?
Didn't really regret the decision to go for the concert but it's just making a must-go-place a li'l longer.
- I got my Blackberry
Finally. I used to think that I don't need it that much, and actually I still do, but, it has more fun and I can write anytime I want :) Have to admit that it helps, eventually. Plus, most of people at my workplace use it. It makes the communication a bit easier. It has negative and positive side at the same time, just like everything.
By the way, did I put Crocs on the list??? :p
- Only one thing I have not accomplished :(
***
So many unpredictable things happened as well. Good and bad, happy and sad, prepared and unprepared, all came and gone.
- Meeting old friends
After around 14 years and meet up again. Kinda funny. Although I met them before (after that freaking 14 years) but I was still excited, despite the lunch fee and ended up not eating anything.
How fast we've grown and how swiftly time passed, those the things that were on my mind. But, memories stay. We still remember bits about our time in Elementary and laughed over them.
Some become good friends (again and meet the Pretty Little "Liars," everyone :p), some go to seeperate ways. Yes, it's amazing looking at how time can change everything. We form a different kind of personalities as we grow, we develop things that unseen, we explore the untouched area that we never thought we had. But certain things remain the same, sadly :(
- Bandung trip
That made no trip at all in the end, not even to 1 place that originally planned to be the very first place to be visited. It was because one person who constantly sleeping. It was still fun, though, hanging out, unprecedented and unanticipated jokes, playing cards, watching world cup in the car, the guys talked in riddles (as always), bla bla bla... Been called "Mama" by Andrew was as exciting as he saw every bus that passed by. But, he called me "Tante" already the last time we met. *sigh
It was the same day as my last day in Bandung, so it was quite emotional a bit. Tears were falling. Leaving the town where I have not a few of loved ones.
- Graduation Day
The time where the older children have to move to elementary was never been easy. It was even harder this year. As the kids were crying, the teachers drowned to their best emotions. Tears were everywhere but one cold-hearted person (that I don't think is necessary to be mentioned here.) Each child made the teachers proud and missing every little moments that's been had and experienced together. From the "keong-senel-snail-sifut-nanaonan" and "waterfall-germs" moments to "I love you, Miss Yiska."
It was the hardest part as I and some of my friends were parting as well. Lovely, isn't it??? *ironically correct :)
- My Mom's accident
She got burned, like, literally. That was one of the most unprepared situation that I've ever been. Totally shocked when I first found out. Scared and confused about what to do. But, with Lord blessing, I've managed :) And, by Christmas, she was way better than I expected. Thank You, Lord.
- People come and go
And this time, one went to the country that's been hated by most of the people in my country. Well, at least we had a short trip back to Bandung and met again with shoes in his hands :p
And, another one was my best friend who passed away. Still feel the loss up until now, cry everytime I think of her, miss her a lot :(
Can't believe that it will affect me this much. I cried when I first found out that she got the accident, in a coma, wouldn't be healed and other things. Tears flowed like a river. A non-stop crying.
Lucky, I got my girls, friends, and a (n.s, h.t.b.m.t.j --> by the time it was edited, I forgot what the letters stand for, sorry :p) best friend who stood beside me.
***
Things happened, things passed, all is done, all is well. Some relationships built but ended up need to be rebuild. Heart's got broken, mend, broke again. Things said and sealed, released and kept well hidden. No regret necessary. What's left is only the will to do things better in the coming year...
Happy New Year everyone. Sure, I'm very thankful of what I got this year and still believe for great things to come next year as Lord will always give His blessing toward us :)

Just Enough

Twas like got hit by thunder. The feeling was unbelievable. Anguish, scared, disappointment all mixed up into one, uncontrollably. Getting away was the easiest way out but failed to reach the end of it. All mad thoughts were rushing, attacking this mind with a lot of deadly ammunition called "what ifs."
It lasted longer than I thought it would. One seemed to be a never-ending torture. In pain was for sure. Holding on tightly to a thin branch that would be soon gone with the wind as it flew swiftly into thin air, careless towards the surrounding. Landed on a softer ground, but too stiff to hold it off. No more thing to grasp. Unreliable. None of any do.
So, I fell. Harder than I thought I would. No cushion prepared to smoother my landing. Hurt. I thought I was gonna cry out loud. I tried to scream and cry out loud. But no. Sure, my heart was beating way faster but I was finer than I thought I was. My tears didn't flood out.
I forgot one thing. I always ask Lord above to brave my soul. I think He just did and took care everything. He gave me just enough courage to get through this situation. It'll still be a long journey toward this thing, but I believe he wouldn't stop at all to give just enough things I need to be a fully loaded weapon I can use to fight in this life. Nothing's better than a just enough of everything.
With just enough, I'll get by :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Little Prayer In The End

As much as I want this thing to work, I realize that there are just too many hurdles along the way that I have to pass. Too many walls to climb, too many muddy rivers to cross, and too many traps to avoid and jump. I don't even know if I would make it there alive at all.
I want to believe that things will work out fine and I'll get what I've always dreamed of, but the signs shown were not that good. Yes, so many positive signs seen, but there's one tiny little thing that might ruin everything.
Differences. It is something that's never been a problem for me that probably will become the minor negative factor that will create a major conflict that will ruin every little piece of positive signs that have been generated along the way.
I have my doubts now and there's no use to hide it. Being a positive person can't help me make it, at least for now. I'm done believing that it will happen the way I always wanted, but will never stop believing that everything will work out for the best on His own way.
So Lord, please give me the courage to face every decision You make that might make me feel unhappy and desperate. Please brave myself for I might not have what I've always wanted. For Your ways are always the best for us. Please open our eyes, heart and mind to see each hidden and obvious kindness and blessings that You bring to our daily lives.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Upset?

By: Ali Wardhana

Berjalan melintasi ruang dan waktu

Tanpa bersemayam dalam kenyataan

Esensi dari kegelisahan jiwa yang tak pernah tercerrmin

Disanalah kau menari bersama detik yg mengiringi langkahku

Fragmantasi kilasan-kilasan yang terserak

Adalah bagian demi bagian yang kau miliki

Untuk membangun apa yg ada di dirimu saat ini

Dan apabila fabel ini ada tertulis

Apakah itu nyata seperti angin semilir yg terasa di kulitku

Kata-kata yang tercipta

Adalah ungkapan dari gerakan yang ada di balik hati

Namun terlalu terbatas untuk bisa menggariskan apa yang ada

Saat mataku menatap batas dari langit dan bumi

Terkadang cukup tertera setitik adalah mencukupi.

Gejolak yang kau rasakan…

Milikmu seorang…

Dan aku disini hanya bisa menyaksikan..

Dan berkata perlahan,

“Biarkan itu mengalir dan menghkantarkanmu ke suatu titik

Yang ada dalam lingkaran kalbu dan berderit layaknya hari yang terus berjalan”

True Pain Comes From A Hidden Betrayal

Didn't realize that it's going to be hurt like this
Sense of betrayal that kept hidden in a shade of a rotten list
Ignoring each sign of the doom of once a perfect man
Drowned in a dream that the man once lend
Broken and destroyed before it's begun to blossom
Moved and forgotten before it even appear
Walk one step ahead and move twice backward
Held hostage of blinded hope and wishful thinking
Trapped by words that framed the mind from the reality
False thought and invisible fantasy
Tied by some non-sense philosophy

Outburst Emotion

It's surprising knowing how much that shiz upsetting me. That never made me this upset until my heart hurt and left me crying.
It's getting clearer that I have to outlist another person in my life. I've been holding back not to do such thing, but this time, it's getting out of hand.
I might not think clearly though, because I've been too upset. Still don't know, and don't want to know, whether he involved in this shiz or not. Well, basically he is, but I need to know how far...
It is disappointing...

Memories Pt. 1

While talking about "Ksatria Baja Hitam," one of my childhood favorite series, my mind straightly flew to my Dad.
I remember how I rushed him in bed to wake up and get ready to watch the series together. Well, nothing special prepared, just us and the TV. Sometimes, he reluctantly wake up and catch up just right after the series started.
We both had the same favorite, not the hero, but the villain, we both liked Gorgom. He used to 'frightened' me by being one. :)
How time flies...

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Dying Soul

Reflect Up

Don't try to say to me that it's all my fault
Take a look at yourself first because you're the core of it
Don't try to point your finger at me
Point it to your face because you're the one who flamed the fuse
Don't try to give me your nastiest look
Get a mirror and do yourself a reflection because you're the one who deserves that thoughtless look

Awesomely Mean

Crash into something that is hard enough to destroy your brain would not be enough to destroy you awful soul
The soul that could banish each and every little harmless spirit and make them disappear forever
Out of sight it goes and unreachable for every barest soul to touch
Nothing to hold and nothing to lean on
No sincere smile to enjoy and hope are lost before it even creates
Vanishing with all the dust that goes along way
Wind never be that breezy no more
Poisoned by your evilly selfish being that no longer a human
You're even twice worse than a king of satan that you once beat
You got him on his knees begging to be forgiven
Yes, you are that awesome, you are that mean
You are awesomely mean...