MaYbE I ShOuLd...

Maybe I should say nothing at all since I always seem to say wrong things to anybody. Maybe I should just be a careless person, the one who cares for nothing, including herself nor the people she loves. Maybe I should just nod all the way or being the number one of the most ignorant person of all. Maybe I should be all of the above if those were the things that can make the people, that I love, happy...

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Merry F***ing Christmas...

Why does it have to be me?Everytime...In the middle of family quarell,I have to step up and put my very f***ing best grin.I mean,I'm glad to do it,but getting tired of it...Tiring if it didnt get better,at all.Why do they don't even want to try,a bit...just a tiny little bit.Everything goes wrong in every one's eyes now.Everybody hates each other deep inside.Now,this is what you call Merry F***ing Christmas...

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New Year...

Another year almost over and hee I am... Keep wondering what do I really want in life...

It's hard to live your life day by day when everybody ask you to have plans for your future. Gosh!

Now, what do I want for next year?

A better life of mine, which I actually want day by day... and... I want a man... to walk his life with me... a man that I can fully love, not parts... a man that can make me love him more and myself... a man that can make me a better person... a man that can bring the best out of me...

Christmas Is Coming...

Again...

Can't believe how fast time actually goes by... Another christmas, another new year to come... But let's talk about christmas first...

I always think that christmas is actually a family kind of time, I mean all family gather around together, despite all the hatred that they have for eachother. Will that happen again this year? Ehm, I don't actually know...

I'm about to spend time with my family this christmas, but only my Dad, Mom and sister, not the whole family of my mom's or dad's (my favorite will be my Mom's =D). Hope it's great to spend time with them, to get closer as a family, as a whole...

Ehm, to be honest, I'm not in the mood to meet other family this year. I mean, it's like too much hatred happens this year, and, I don't want thgose to ruin my christmas day, at all... I just want a peace christmas with my Dad, Mom, and sister... and probably with one of my cousin and her family, including my nephew. but that's all. i don't want others who hate eachother to come... Is that a crime... Well, if it is, I don't mind doing it. I don't care if you call me a bad person or whatsoever...

I know that christmas is actually time to forgive more in order to receive a truly peace in your heart thingy, but... to be honest, I'm getting tired being a nice person in my family, being the one who don't take side whenever there is a clash or any bold argument. I've pobably been stabbed hundreds of time now... Everybody ask me to come forward to cover their f***ing a**, what about me? Why don't they just face those f***ing a*****e by themselves?

Sorry... but I demand peace on my christmas day... :D

Merry christmas everybody... =D

JuDgEmEnT DaY

Life is not about judge or being judge.Why do people always care about judging people.Are they already perfect themselves so they are given the priviledge to judge others?Eventhough they dont know them well?Is that fair?Call me resentful or whatever you like,but this is me.I might not be proud of me yet,but I feel comfy about me.I'd like to stay this way.For now...or forever...

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AnOTheR FrEaKinG ThiNG...

Okay...it's obvious,he's out of reach.At least for now.. But still...Well,you know what???I dont know!!!

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#1 CriMiNaL

How hard it is to accept someone the way they are.Why do I find it hard at times...There's sometimes something that comes from that person that bothes me but I found it hard to tell that person.Is that a crime?When it happens,what I need is some time off,although sometimes more.Is that a crime.Gosh,I think it already makes me a number one criminal...

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WoNdEr...JusT WonDeR...

It's lovely when everybody likes you.Although in fact,it's absolutely impossible to have everybody to love you as in fact you cannot please everybody at the same time.I'm actually happy today since I made all of my friends,who heard my jokes,laugh their a** off.While at times I fear that they might not like me anymore.Well,I've been dumped by some of ex friends for no reason at all.Thats why I'm scared at times...

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JaYWaLkiNg's FuN,iSn'T iT?

I walked across the street for times now and at some times I think I almost got hit by those cars...Yet I'm still survive.Although I promise to be more careful,but I break the promise yet again...Sometimes I think,what if I reall got hit at one time?Would that be scary?Well,I dont think I want to find out,though...Dont bother...

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DrEaM SeRiEs pt.2

I dreamed about someone that I'm in love discreetly with.He may be younger and not good looking at all,but his mind and way of thinking are so much wiser.Now,this kind of man is the one that can make me love him wholly,not parts.But,I dont know if it wasnt another unreachable love of mine.Well lets just see,shall we?

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PrOuD To Be A DrEaMeR

Okay,my blog might calle Just A Life,but I might start to write every dream that I had,course when I got the chance.I dont know why,but I just feel like it.So,like it or not,I'm gonna write it.Anyway,dreaming is part of life.You're not alive if you dont have a dream,and I'm proud to be a dreamer...

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DrEaM SeRiEs pt.1

This morning,or last night,I dont know,I dreamed about me getting a laptop...Gosh,I'm sure I really want to have it,but cannot afford it n no one wants to give it to me.I wonder when can I get it.I want it,I want it,I want it.Anybody wants to give it to me?Bet none,not for now anyway...Hope it's soon...Sooner than I hope.Haha!!!

Mr. Opportunist

I’ve wanting to write about this guy a lot. Mr. Opportunist. Let’s call him Mr. O (for Opportunist instead the other O).
I’ve known him from 2002. We were close back then, but not anymore. Why? Because I’m no longer that important in the group since I have more works to do outside the group (although it doesn’t mean that I left the group), so I spend less time there and no longer able to participate in all the activity or important events (only some of events that I can do now).
But why do I call him Mr. O?
It’s because he deserves it... He’s like the most opportunist person in the world. Based on my experience and observation, he’s only friend with those who’s got some kind of power, popularity and anything that he can use in order to get him that much attention he needs. When you lose them, then you lose him…
At first I wondered why he was some what bitter at me. Then I found out that he had new group of friends beside us, say that it’s group B. Later, group B told me that they’ve been left out by him for some reason and some time. He then hanged out with Group C which was later told me the same thing that happened with Group B, etc, etc.
From those situations, I noticed that all the groups have either one or more of these factors, power and popularity. He hangs out with one of the famous people rite now and forgets about us…

Full Moon pt. 2

(But today, I don’t actually know if it’s the real full moon or not)
The moon still shines bright actually; the moon seems so close you can jump to it…
I’m here sitting like crazy cuz I really want to sleep. Although today, I did nothing really… Haha… I’m a lazy b**** rite now.

September 26, 2007 (Full Moon pt. 1)

I walked out the house and guess what I saw? A full moon, which shone so bright, that’s what I saw. It was very bright, like the brightest that I’ve ever seen. Although in fact, I’ve seen the brighter ones before this one. But this, this one seemed so beautiful. Why? Because of you, dumb! The man who forwarded an unimportant (well, maybe it was important) forwarded text to me this morning. I assumed that you were thinking of me while you were sending the text. Gosh, I hate to admit, but I miss you every time I read your name in my phone list…
Don’t ask me what does the full moon got to do with you… I cannot answer that question really… HA!!! =P

The Lake House

I just watched the Lake House (from the book Il Mare), Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves played it. I thought it was just another drama with impossible story line. How come anybody, talk to each other at different timeline, different year?
Since I’m in the stressful time these days, so I decided to rent some movies that came up to my mind. One of them was the Lake House… So, I watched it, and hey… I really think it was romantic. I like the Chicago walking together at the same date and different year, and at the end of the day, she found the writings on the wall saying that it was a great time to walk her there…
It was a happy ending story after they twisted it. I thought he was the one in the car accident, but nope… he waited and they were together at last! I wonder do they finally eat at Il Mare…
Will that moment be really happening in the reality?
I wonder how it will be if it was happening to me…
Well, if the man is like Keanu… I’ll be darn glad… who wouldn’t?
I hope I can find MY Keanu soon enough.
Remember when someone said, be careful of what you wish for, because it might come true?
For all this time, I always pray to God, so I can have a boyfriend who will last until he becomes my husband, and we live together forever. I never want to have a boyfriend for the sake of a boyfriend. I want a love that will last. I don’t want to love my best friend, I mean… to have a relation more than friends and such. For the last point, someone that I thought or think I’m in love with, once said that when you break up with your boyfriend then you lost one of your best friend. So, is it possible to love your best friend without ruin the friendship itself? Well, lately I kinda think that it’s actually a possible thing to do. If your friendship ends at the end, then he’s not your real best friend in any way. Just think simple… simple, but hurting. Well, I don’t know… I’m not quite sure myself.
Have I tried to love my best friend in the other way? Nope, I’m just too afraid to take the risk.
Have I tried to love anyone? Yes… but, I could not love them the way I they said they loved me. I want to love someone in a whole not by parts, and I haven’t find one so far. Maybe I have, but, I don’t think he feels the same… at all. It saddens me. But, hey, what can I do? Well, I might be able to do something, but have no courage at all. I mean, I’m just too afraid to try…I never find any comfort to try… maybe that’s a start…
So, for you out there… who thinks you can love me… please… comfort me… encourage me to try…

A Letter For Myself

Dearest me,
For goodness' sake,
he's taken, sweetheart...
Get over it, will you?
Love,
-Yourself-

I Saw Him There

I was afraid to meet this guy again. And as I was assigned to work at his work area, I was like… DAMN! And just wish that I didn’t have to meet him. And I didn’t. At least, not when I was on duty as I kept avoiding going to that certain area where he works. But afterwards, I was having dinner with my high school friends, and there he was… across the street, working.
I was lucky enough not to get eye to eye with him, which I assumed would be an awkward moment.
But hey, I loved that feeling, when I don’t have any certain feeling, such as regret, that I don’t want to feel…
I’m relieved…
I’m sorry… Goodbye… You deserve to be happy, and I will find my own happiness with someone else…

Everything Can Happen At Any Moment

One of my friends just broke the news for me earlier this afternoon. She said that one of our friends died last night from an accident (I haven’t asked if it was car or motorcycle that he rode that night).
I couldn’t believe this news even up till now. I wasn’t that close with him, but still… I talked to him while I was in the Marching Band where he was one of the members as well, and yeah… He was a friend of mine.
I don’t exactly know how to react to this kind of thing, such as death. One of my friends, who is believed to have an extra power or such, once told me that my reaction to this sometimes more to the feeling of amazed that this thing is actually happening on our daily lives. Yeah, people die. It could be anyone, anywhere, anytime. And the people who care about this people will be drown in some of deepest sadness that they will ever feel in their lives, that no one will ever be able to console them. Just dark…
I always say that whatever happens to us is the best for all of us, and I believe it. I do. People die. That’s the best for them and everyone who loves and cares for the. But, I wonder, could I feel that way when it is my turn to lose the people that I love, that I care about, say, my mum or my dad or my sister. I couldn’t even bare to cry when my dad was, say helpless, when he has a stroke and, not all people can survive from this stroke thingy. Lucky us, we brought him just in time, and he’s alright now, thank God. I kept telling myself that whatever happens, will be the best for all of us. But still… I don’t know if I can bare it or not, when my sister still needs him to be around and me too. That moment, I just couldn’t ask for anything but my dad’s health. We definitely still need him in our lives. I prayed to God not to get him at that moment, when none of us was ready. And my prayer was answered. My dad’s getting better now.
What if I die? That’s the question that sometimes pops in my mind actually. How long will my family will be in grief, will all my friends come to my funeral, or at least my closest friends, will I know who my true love is? Crazy??? I guess so… But, it came to my mind once or twice.
Everything can happen at any moment, good or bad, one at a time, or all at once. We just have to be prepared as well as we can. And keep believing that every thing that will happen will be the best thing for you…
PS. Rest in peace, Dan. God loves you and your family… It was nice to know you. We’re going to miss you.

This One's For You

I LOVE YOU GOODBYE

Wish I could be the one, the one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you that I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
I could say that I'll be all you need but that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you, I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
I hope someday you can find some way to understandI'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go but deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better than the love you'll find with me
I could say that I'll be all you need but that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you, I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Oh I don't wanna leave you, baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

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This is definitely for you. This song speaks my heart. Well, at least I guess so. One of my friends said that I’m closing my heart for this one person to come in the future. I close my heart, including from you.But do I really close my heart for everyone to come in??? The answer will be NO!!! I’m willing to open my heart just for anyone. But, please don’t hope too much from me, because I don’t wanna hurt you or anyone at all. Not this way. I was not intending to do it by any chance.
I just can’t be with you for some reasons that I don’t even know why I have those reasons, I don’t even know what. It’s just me. Not you… you definitely deserve someone better and that’s not me.
I’ll be here… getting ready to love and to be loved… anyone and by anyone… at all…

I Just Love...

Yeah… I just love. All I want to do now is just love someone who can love me back in return of course. Who would that be??? I still don’t know... Some people come and some people go. It seems I never ready for all those people to come and go. But they did. Seems like I never ready to love or to be loved. One of the reasons is that I’m still saving one special spot in my heart for that someone that I don’t even know if he loves me or not… part of my heart say that he is the one for me. But, who knows what tomorrow bring… I just hope that someone can really see that I love him, and willing to love me back in return… I just hope he knows…

Evil Me

First, I felt excited, then surprised and happy, and last, I felt like a true evil.
Why??? Well, just today at church, I saw him again. My first crush, ever. I even fell in love with him once or twice, although he wasn’t as good looking as he was when he was a lot younger back then. So, can you really call it love? Well, I’m a call it, unreachable love. Why??? Well, I never know him, up til now. I mean, seriously, I know him and I know he knows me. But, we never spoke to each other like two people who knew each other. Get my point??? We just know one and another without any further connection.
But, looked at him today or any other day after awhile, always bring that sort of feeling I cannot even explain, since I don’t know what it is myself. But, I kinda like it. Make me imagining something beautiful that he and I would have if we were together.
Back about why I felt like a true evil…
Well, what I remember was he with my elementary school’s friend, but she looked like ignoring him all along. Well, not along, or I don’t know, but that was what I saw two years ago at New Year’s party. I didn’t think that he deserved it. He deserved better, that is with me. And now, I saw him not with her anymore, but then I realised that they were sitting only two people away at the same row, and guess what? I was glad that they didn’t look like they were together again.
But, what is so good when I can’t have him anyway??? Well, by knowing that he will find someone better… Hope it could be me… =)

Panty Malfunction

Yess, that’s exactly what I’m going to write here… My panty was falling down. Apparently, I took the wrong panty. Just without looking I took the loose ones, since it was on the top of my panties drawer. Apparently… I think I ran out of panties. How come you ran out of panties??? Well, maybe it’s just me… Silly me. Lazy me to wash em or just dirrrty me??? I leave em all to you… =P
Now here’s the story… After I took that wrong panty, as usual I put on my jeans… and changed it afterwards with just a skirt. While I was walking to my friend’s place, I felt so unconfy down there and realized that it was my panty which was falling down. Unfortunately, there was no place for me to fix it, so… I walked awkwardly to my friend’s place. I tried to hold the panty with just my thighs. Lord have mercy on me.. I was about just took it off on the street full of people. I wonder what would it be if it really fell down… I’d be damned embarrassed!!! The good news was… I made it to my friend’s place without my loose panty hanging out raced the skirt bottom… =P No more using that one, Val!

The Child in Me

I’m not as grown up as you think I am. I still got the childish in me that often took me over. Wholly, solely.. and I just can’t get out.
Talk is easy. Talk is cheap. But the action to the words is definitely the hardest part of all. To be done, to be tried, even to begin. I wish I could apply the words I said to people, to my younger, even to my older friends… I don’t want to be a cheap talker… although I could get an award for my words of wisdom to people…

Where???

I caught myself so often in the question that no one could ever answer since the answer to my question is in me… and it feels like it’s nowhere to be found…

Forbidden Love

Something forbidden that you cannot touch at all. But can you feel it?
His smile is so beautiful that sometimes I just want to go and hug him just like that. His arms seem so strong that sometimes you can just feel them wrap you around and warm yourself all day.
But for some strong reasons, you just cannot be with him at all. The gap between you two are too damn wide. Even wider than you think it is…
What would you do then? When you know something isn’t meant for you, but you still want to have it?
Well, just say that he’s too damn perfect and nothing is so good that last eternally. Well again, nothing is eternal. It’s like… nothing. Perfect or not, sooner or later, it’ll be gone.. what to do then?

Commitment VS Priority

What is commitment?
What is priority?
For me, you have to put the commitment to your priority, a.k.a you have to commit to your priority. But, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have your commitment or something that isn’t your priority. In my opinion, that is only one thing that you can make as your priority, so you can erally focus on it. If you have more than one… how can you focus on it??? Think about it…
Although you don’t make something as your priority but it doesn’t mean that you don’t take it seriously as you commit to it too…
But what will you do if someone doubt your commitment?

Learnt My Lesson

I don’t really like it when people just talking behind my back. Not literally behind my back, but talking about me without saying it was they’re talking about.
I’ve made mistake, I know that, I don’t really have to hide it, at least to myself. Believe it or not, I think I’ve learned from my mistakes more than I used to. I still need people to tell me what did I do wrong, in case I didn’t realize it or if I think I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s totally okay, as long as they tell me with a little sense of respect. I need people to appreciate what I did, just respect my attempt and effort. At least I’ve tried my best. That’s why I hate it when people criticize me with no respect at all.
I put my all when I did this occasion, even my heart and soul, seem like my every little thing. All went great just fine, at least, cuz no one told me anything, and I felt I did nothing fatally wrong. Until the next day someone just talked about the mistakes they say I made. She knew that it was me because she watched the show, she talked about it in front of me and I can feel her resentment on me. At first I didn’t know that it was me she talked about, until my friend told me about the mistake I’ve made. I thank her for that but I hate the woman that talked about it behind my back.I was totally broken down at that time, I was almost crying, but luckily I can go all the way throughout that day. Not as good as the day before, far from good, because I got no soul in it. But, hey, it’s over… I learned my lesson and didn’t do it again. No same mistakes, but I was too down to do better. So… another lesson to be learned…

I Love The Way You Love Me - Eric Martin

That freaking song is constantly reminded me of someone that I loved (or love? I don’t know…) before. Someone who loved me more than I can ever imagine… I imagine doing the things that are mentioned in the song with him. It definitely will be romantic, since I believe that he is a romantic person as well… Silly??? I won’t take it that way… because, what I felt (I feel) was (is) true… Do I still love this person? Ehm… I guess so. But, I don’t think he does… So, I guess just have to wipe the dust… Do I still save my heart for him?

Simple Love

“I want love to be simple. I want to trust without thinking. I want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally. It is easier to love a person with their flaws than to weed through them. I want to love the whole person, not parts; and this is how I want to be loved. –JEWEL-“
When will love get as simple as you hope it’d be? Has love ever been that simple? Can you really trust without thinking? When will I experience that simple kind of love? For every time I trust someone without thinking, I always ended up as the hurt ones. Trust some many people and ended up getting hurt, betrayed… I had enough of that. Enough is enough…
But I still want to trust someone without thinking… I want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally, to love a person easier by loving the person with their flaws than to weed through them. I want to love the whole person, not parts… and yes, this is how I want to be loved…I know someone that I can love without thinking, someone that I can give my affection and patience generously, someone that I can love unconditionally. I love him with his flaws… I love him as a whole person, not parts… When will he love me this way?

Untitled

Climbing each stair of a lifetime seduction
is a long far walk for your love that I’ve abandoned
a very beautiful love that is too good to be true
a very wonderful love that is too easy to turn blue
What is love to be called love, anyway?
when you don’t even know what love means
As love is a remarkable abstract property
that we claim we needed to continue our lives
through eternity

What's Inside A Broken Heart

What’s inside a broken heart for sure? Regret? Sadness? Anger? Devastation? Hope??? Why do our hearts break, anyway? Lots of answers for that, but, do we ever find the right perfect answers? Find the perfect answers while there is nothing in the world that is perfect. What a life to have?! What a broken heart to mend.
Have my heart been broken? For all I can remember is broken every man’s heart who was (or is???) willing to give their whole life to me. What kind a fool I am? The unthankful person. But how can you take someone’s heart when you know you won’t give him something in return and eventually break the heart? Some might say, at least give some respect! I did, I always do give them some respect, in my kind of ways. If they wanted me to give respect their way by taking their hearts and break it later, well, I’d rather not…
Maybe I am mean, careless, ignorant, or whatever conclude that I’m a freaking crazy bitch, but… I don’t care. For that is me, and my thought, they can tell me if they don’ t like it, but never expect any changes soon or ever. I’ll change if I want to… if I think it is the best. I live my life for me… and I realize that I cannot please everybody at the same time…

I Wonder

I wonder… how hard it is to open your heart for someone new? I keep telling myself that how can you love someone when you still in love when someone else? But, is it really love that you feel for that someone else? Or is it just curiosity to make him my man, with all those sweet words of wisdom that he’s been given me? Never met him, but he’s got my heart, and a promise, though, a say, I might say that way, if he turned 30 with no one beside him, then, it’ll be me… I’m willing to wait for that, though, since for me, he’s the perfect man, with all the flaws he has, that I’m looking for… Is he?

The More I think Of It...

The more I am in doubts of what I'm doing rite now... Of what I'm feeling... Just about everything... Should I live without thinking at all, then??? But how???

How Can You Be Sure???

I never really understand about what I'm feeling inside, or am I just afraid? I want to be sure, but I don't know if I can be sure like that, like what people want me to be sure of what I am feeling inside. I always believe that there is such thing like uncertainty in life... Everything can happen... Good things come to an end...

How can you be sure??? Teach me how... I really want to be sure at something... Something that I trully believe in is that uncertainty... That everything can happen... Even in love... I want to be sure that I can love one person, but in the end... Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Nobody knows... I'm scared... I am afraid... Afraid of love's embrace... Love embraces me in a way that I always wanted, but I'm scared... Scared that this love might come to an end at the end... someday...

So, if you love me, and you read my thoughts, please... assure me... reassure me. Don't get tired of it, and don't change me, please... Cuz this is me, this is the way I am... Love me whole, not partly, please...

Damn Loneliness...

But I'm in love now... :)